Today, one of my neighbors called me.  Which wouldn’t be weird if I had ever met her before. My cat was on her porch and she just called to tell me that she likes my cat (the addicted one) and wants to know what kind of cat she is.  Lady, this is abuse of my phone number.  When you call me and ask me if I am Aravis’s “mom,” I immediately assume that she is dead in your yard or something.  I am glad that you like her and all, but don’t call about that.  Seriously. Also, please don’t let me cat in your house. I know she is cute and all, but she is not your cat.  AND don’t call me and tell me that you are letting her in your house because she “is so cute and has such a great personality.” Weirdo.

While this call was out of line (in my opinion), I had another call from a neighbor a while ago that was absolutely awesome.  And by awesome, I mean entertaining and ridiculous.

I got a voice mail at like 7:30am when I got to work one morning.  It said, “Hi.  This is your neighbor.  I am calling about Aravis, please call me back at 404…..” I, of course, immediately assume that my cat has been mauled by a dog and I start having a panick attack.  And shaking. I called back as fast as humanly possible.  Phone conversation below:

Horrible Neighbor: Hello?

Me: This is Aravis’s mom! I got your message!

HN: Oh, hi.  So you got my message?

Me: Yes!!! Is Aravis okay?!!

HN: [pause] Oh, yes, she’s fine.  I am calling you because she has parked herself underneath by bird feeder.

Me: [silence for several seconds to get out of panic mode and realize that there is something weird going on]…So, Aravis isn’t hurt?

HN: ‘laughs’ Oh no.  She has been killing birds.

Me: Silently thinking this woman needs a punch in the face Oh…um, she’s a cat.

HN: ‘haughty snort’ Well, as I am sure you are aware the song bird population in the area has greatly dimenished due to over population, construction and cats!! I am trying to do my part by having a bird feeder in my yard to attract the birds back to the area.

Me: [Silence]

HN: Your cat is killing the birds by sitting under my bird feeder.

Me: Ma’am, I am sorry that she is killing wild birds, but that is what cats do.  Maybe you could move your feeder? [Suppressing urge to laugh at this point]

HN: ‘huff’ Well, can you put a bell on your cat so the birds can hear her and run away?!

Me: I would be happy to do that, but I want to warn you that bells teach cats to be better hunters, they learn how to move without jingling the bell. (Somewhere in this study proves it, but it is long and cat hatey, so just scroll for the word bell).

HN: Can you keep her inside until the song bird season is over?

Me: [Jaw drops] Ma’am, I am not going to keep my cats inside.  They would be miserable.  Cats kill things, it’s the cycle of life. It’s beautiful.  I am sure the worm mothers are sad about all of the worm babies that the birds are killing.

HN: Worms are different!  I have plenty of friends who keep their cats inside all the time and the cats are very happy and it is better for them.

Me: Lady, my cats wouldn’t be happier inside. Your friends’ cats are happy like a little kid who is never allowed to go outside is happy.  They don’t know any better. But, I bet those cats sit in the window a lot.

HN: Well, they do actually sit in the windows often.

Me: I thought so.

HN: This is besides the point.  Your cat is killing birds and ruining the bird population.

Me: I will get her a bell. Like I said. (Actually, I never got the bell…oops)

HN: I guess I will just have to spray her with the hose when I see her over here…

Me: If my cat comes home soaking wet, I will find you and kill the birds myself!!

HN: Humph!

Me: Yeah, don’t call here again unless it’s an emergency!

And then she hung up.listeningface

Note: While a conversation such as this did actually take place, much of it was dramatized.  But, the basic gist is correct.  And, I never heard from her again.  I did, however, have a long conversation with Aravis about killing wild birds when she has perfectly good cat food inside and if she does kill them, not to bring them near our house so that Horrible Neighbor can’t accuse me of knowing anything. She seemed to understand.