I was watching the Today Show this morning and there was a whole piece about Santa getting ready for H1N1.  Here is an article if you are interested. (There is a video, too)

While I know that H1N1 is a concern, this is pretty ridiculous.  Just wash your hands, Santas.  Like, they are changing gloves after every kid and stuff.  Maybe, don’t touch your face until you take the gloves off.  The kids are going to get it anyway, so touching them with the infected gloves is cool.  Not to mention survival of the fittest.  That’s what H1N1 is all about.  And part of being a mall Santa is having kids wipe their snot all over you (it’s nasty, but they make BANK working a month out of the year).

My mom told me when I was a kid that all of the other mall Santas were elves and they were helping the real Santa.  Who was at Perimeter Mall.  Where we went to see him. I tried to figure out how she knew that he was the real Santa and not just another elf, and she told me that she went to see him when she was a kid and he told her that he was the real one.  Then one year, there was a different Santa at Perimeter Mall because (so my mom claimed) our Santa was sick and he sent one of his elves.  He wasn’t the same.  I liked the real Santa better.  Even though I hated seeing Santa.  I cried every year because I was taught not to talk to strangers and I was scared.  But my mom made me sit in the strange man’s lap.  I was so confused.  Watching all of those Don’t Talk to Stangers videos made it very clear that strange men will kidnap you and take you away in their cars.

So, all of Santa’s elves are preparing not to get swine flu so that they don’t infect the entire North Pole.  Because if somehow, H1N1 was brought into the world of Christmas fun, everyone would probably die.  Because, besides Santa and his look-a-like elves, none of the North Pole’s population has been in contact with the human race.  And, none of them would survive our crazy diseases because they don’t have vaccines and stuff.  That means no more Rudolph or elves that want to be dentists.  That would be sad.

Luckily, the Today show says that we should sit out hand sanitizer with the milk and cookies this year.  So Santa can, you know, wash up after he eats your swine flu infected cookies and milk.  Way to ruin Christmas, Today Show.

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