I have a friend who is approaching her second wedding anniversary.  She told me you give cotton for second anniversaries and she’s depending on me to come up with something good.  By something good, I hope she meant inappropriate.  I suggested she dress up in a cotton nurse outfit for him.  I haven’t heard anything back.

But, I decided to do research on the topic so that I can have some really great ideas prepared for tomorrow.  This got me thinking, why the hell do people give cotton for the second anniversary?  And, does that mean like a bouquet of cotton?  Like, take your husband/wife to a cotton field and tell them to knock themselves out?  Or, just something made of cotton? If you give someone a bouquet of cotton, do you put it in a vase?  Will that keep the plant alive?  Do you want it to stay alive?

Ok, so, apparently, this practice goes back to medieval times.  The whole assigning certain gifts for certain holidays.  And, until the early 1900’s, people only celebrated the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th, 25th, 50th and 75th anniversaries.  Or, maybe there were only certain gifts associated with these holidays.  I didn’t really read the article very in depth.

In my quick research for this post, I have found conflicting facts on what is traditional to give on the second anniversary.  So, the traditional gifts are cotton and straw.  Straw?  WTF does this mean?  And, the modern gift is china.  More importantly, this website is assuming I am a man who has no idea what to get for his wife.  Come on, when your options are cotton or straw, it gets a little difficult.  You know?

Good gift ideas, according to this, are: clothing, placemats, tablecloths (what man doesn’t want to open a gift of placemats or tablecloths?), sheets, towels, pillows or a rug.  I’m a chick and I am pretty sure I don’t want any of these things unless I specifically sent Justin a picture and a link and said “OMG!!  I love these placemats, I want these!”

None of these are good enough or exciting enough for my friend BB.  No way.  I’m going back to my original suggestion as the number one option.

1.  Sexy Nurse Outfit

The website claims this outfit is completely made of cotton, but I’m suspicious about the shoes.  They look more like patent leather.  This gift is definitely for BB’s husband and not to be shared.

2.  My other idea, a bouquet of cotton, or if you already have a cotton field, a cotton gin.  Invented by Eli Whitney.  People used to call me Eli.  It was the only non-family nickname I’ve ever had and I loved it.  Sadly, it never caught on.

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3.  Scrolls made of cotton fully complete with a list of things you don’t care about.  Like, what your name means, BB.  Because that is definitely going to take a whole scroll.  Nothing says, “I’m so glad we’ve been legally together for 2 years” like a scroll.

4.  A knitted penis warmer.  Two positives here: first, you made it yourself.  Second, it will keep his penis warm, BB, on those cold winter nights.  I can rustle up a pattern if you’re interested, and some knitting lessons (we all know you can’t knit).  Just let me know.

And, let’s stop here.  Because, I don’t think that we can find a better gift than the Willie Warmer.

There you are, BB.  You’re welcome.

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