Breaking up is really hard.  As if you didn’t already know that.  But, I forgot how hard.  I was so comfortable in my life revolving around someone else’s plans and what I was going to do with someone else that I forgot to take care of alone time.  Like, I still had alone time, but now I have a lot of it.  It’s weird having to come up with all of my own plans and not consult someone else.  Or, if all else fails, laying on the couch with the someone else and watching tv.  It’s different watching it alone.

People keep saying, “The right person will come along, you just haven’t found him yet” or “You need someone who (fill in the blank).”  But, what if that person doesn’t exist?  What if this is it and I have to learn how to be happy with myself and only myself for forever?  That’s a reality.  And, it’s okay.  I should be okay with myself and just myself.  I keep asking myself, “What if there isn’t?”  For the first time, I’m really facing this possible future.

Before anything else, I have to be happy with myself.  And it’s weird that most of the people in my life are acting like this is a hiatus.  Like, “Work on yourself while you’re single.  Get to know yourself, while you’re single.  While you’re single, blah blah blah.”  I don’t know if being single should be treated like a vacation from being in a relationship.  Isn’t being in my own skin more important and more valid?  Why should I stay single for a certain amount of time?  Why is it a given that I will soon find someone else?  Is it me, or is this how it is for everyone?  Does my personality scream, “I NEED A RELATIONSHIP TO BE VALIDATED!”  That’s what it seems.  And, I wonder, can anything work?  Is there really love that lasts a lifetime?

I have a very close friend who met this guy, like, 8 or 9 years ago and he was wonderful.  They were that perfect couple, the one that just makes you a little sick.  But you love both of them and they are such amazing people you can’t really ever hate them.  Even though she’s your friend, you find yourself getting to be close with him, too.  And everything with them is so cute and so wonderful.  My friend and the guy were married several years ago and it was so happy and so adorable.  The perfect ceremony and party.  He left her suddenly for another woman months ago.  If they can’t make it, who can?

I have so many questions and maybe this is just the response to the break up and being in my 20’s, which, apparently, everyone in their 30’s is happy to get out of because “it’s such an insecure time.”  I just don’t know anymore.  Really, I never did.  Any thoughts?

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