I am going to start a new thing over here.  Horror movie reviews.  I can’t remember if I’ve ever shared my love of all things horror, thriller, psychological mind-fuck.  I can’t get enough.  I’m that crazy person who will rent the German horror movie that looks like it’s probably going to suck over the adventure/romantic comedy everyone is raving about.  Here goes.

Let’s start with Mirrors (2008), starring Keifer Sutherland.  What could be scarier than lots of mirrors and a dark room?  Bad acting and a plot that jumps all over the place, that’s what.  I had friends recommend this movie and the possibility of people coming out of the mirrors really appealed to me.

Boy was I wrong.  Not one person comes out of a mirror.  Very disappointing.  The movie began with some promise.  Ben Carson (Sutherland) is a former New York City COP struggling with alcoholism.  He is estranged from his wife and children.  While waiting to be reinstated as a police officer after a bad shooting, Carson takes a job as a security guard at an old, burned down department store.  The department store (shockingly, jk) is wall to wall mirrors.  Carson’s boss and coworker comments that the mirrors freak him out and the man who worked the night shift before Carson was obsessed with cleaning and caring for the mirrors.

Carson begins his first shift smoothly enough, but soon, things begin to happen.

He sees weird scenes, people and shadows in the mirrors.  Of course, in expected movie drama, this drives him to

drink bringing his credibility to zero.  He becomes obsessed with the mirrors and sure the “people” on the other side are after him and the ones he loves.  After his sister (Amy Smart) literally pulls her jaw off and his wife sees little mirror clones of her children does she believe Carson. They work together to save the day.

So, someone actually pulls her jaw off.  Seriously.  This scene was so unbelievably and unnecessarily disgusting and disturbing.  There was no reason for it and it didn’t go with the plot line.  Most of the people killed were drowned or stabbed.  This all happened in the bathtub and I was shocked she didn’t simply drown.

The director gives the audience no credit for having reasoning skills and spells out every conclusion very obviously.  Keifer Sutherland can’t decide if he’s a broken COP or Jack Bauer and jumps from emotional alcoholic to problem solver throughout the movie.

Not only are there people in the mirror trying to kill Carson and his family, Carson finds out that the department store used to be an insane asylum (no one else the mirror people targeted had figured this out, even though it’s NYC and in public record…I know).  He finds out the mirror people want one of the former patients who was committed as a child for schizophrenia, but was actually possessed by demons.

Still with me here?  Old department store, lots of mirrors, mirror people killing everyone, Keifer drinks, they kill his sister and try to kill his family, no one believes him, he figures out it’s an insane asylum and want a little schizophrenic girl who was possessed by demons   ‘sigh’  Just checking.

Records show the girl died, but Carson knows this isn’t true.  He feels it in his alcohol saturated gut.  After a ridiculously short time looking for her, Carson finds she didn’t die and was sent to a monastery, where there are no mirrors in order to protect her family and herself from the mirror people.

Carson makes an emotional plea and the nun refuses.  Naturally, he threatens her with a gun, Jack Bauer style, and forces her to the old department store/insane asylum.  While all of this is going on, there is a mirror son trying to kill Carson’s wife and children using the reflections in water.

The nun comes to the mirror room (there really is one…are you rolling your eyes, you should be) and she and Carson intuitively know how to hook her up to a machine that is over 40 years old and still works and can channel the demons in the mirror to enter her body.  So, they hook her up and the demons enter her and back at Carson’s house, his wife and children are saved by an inch.  ‘sigh’ of relief because it ended so beautifully, everyone’s safe and thank god this piece of shit is over.  Wait…what’s that?  The nun is now a demon filled entity who doesn’t respond to gunshots and can walk on the ceiling!!  She’s after Carson.  After a really long chase/fight scene, Carson somehow causes the building to collapse on him and the demon, yet only he survives.  It’s a miracle.  But, wait again.   He’s trapped in the mirrors!  Oh no!  Cut to credits.

I recommend you skip this one.  Until writing this, I didn’t realize there was a Japanese version.  I should’ve realized because American horror directors are only capable of badly copying foreign greatness.  I will watch that and report back.

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