My friend Carrie Ann from Little Big is answering my questions about our finite universe. Thanks for reading!
Hi there. My name is Carrie Anne but I also go by exlibris or Little Big elsewhere on the internet and oftentimes I’m called “liberrian” in real life. I have a blog
called Little Big where I normally write about such topics as:
1. my hobbies: cooking, crafting and taking photos
2. things my impish toddler daughter is up to
3. my asshole cats
4. my thrift store finds
I am a feminist and wife and mother and liberrian who lives in the interior of California. I have an etsy shop where I sell my vintage finds because otherwise my house would turn into some sort of episode from hoarders except everything inside would be thrifted and awesome and I’d have to punch Neicy Nash if she came near it with a desire to bargain. Consider my shop a sort of therapy. Each purchase you make brings me closer to a normal degree of sanity.
Windsor Grace knows that I possess certain insights about the universe and so she asked me What do you think is out there? The most recent data suggest that the universe is finite and shaped somewhat like an elliptical soccer ball, or like a giant twelve-sided die. Thinking about the Universe is something I do often as it alleviates the boredom of mandatory staff meetings. Especially for Windsor Grace, I have compiled a list I call Things I Know About the Universe:
The Universe is held together by gravity, and we’re rotating around our sun and our galaxy is revolving around a black hole and all the atom bits like protons and neutrons are rotating around each other also. We’re all engaging in some large Cosmic Dance choreographed by gravity and poetry other bits of magical thinking. (I’m not sure how factual this all is, but it’s the sort of thing I think about when forced to watch the yearly Staff Safety Video.)
Our Universe could just be another cell inside another organism too large for us to comprehend. If we are the minute hand, the galaxy is the millennium hand, and the Universe is the eon hand on the clock face of Time. The Universe dances to Her own inescapable pulse and gravity compels us to dance to Her beat.
At the forefront of scientific thought is the notion first postulated by Douglas Adams, and that is always bring your own towel. It’s possible that loaner towels may be available, but who wants to suck the nutrients off of someone else’s towel? Not me, that’s for sure. Towels are necessary for even brief journeys into space and I really hope that NASA devotes a portion of their budget to Bed, Bath, & Beyond giftcards.
Newton died before he could fully explain this Law of Expendability. This law is known on virtually every inhabited planet in our Universe. Red’s a great color, and it’s fine to wear when you’re kicking around terra firma, but for Baby Jesus Picard’s sake, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE RED WHILE TRAVELLING THROUGH OUTER SPACE. Red attracts death and disaster like no other known color in the galaxy and wearing it means your death is not only assured, but it’s probably also fiery and explosion-filled. As they say on Gliese 581G “Only the dead wear red” (in their native tongue it’s: “Ts!o*d aSe kE$HA whoremouthious expendiarmus!”)
It’s wise to know a bit about the intergalactic climate before you go a-wandering. For instance, I learned from an early age that Triangle Man hates Particle Man. I mean hates him. They got in a fight once, and both sides are still sore about it. Epic sagas have been written about their struggle and it’s been translated into many non-humanoid dialects. Figure out the political climate of the location you’re travelling to before talking shit about either Triangle or Particle Man, or you’ll regret it.
Another thing I absorbed while still very young was that humans are all really tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The Universe considers our race to be very small–about, in fact, the size of one Mickey Rooney. It’s hard to wrap your head around, but it’s true. I considered myself to be at least as significant as thirty Mickey Rooneys, but that’s not how the Universe sees it. We are really that small and of such little importance to the Universe as one Mickey Rooney. It was quite a blow to my ego, but eventually I realized if Mickey Rooney can make peace with this, then so can I.
Some people think it’s great to talk about putting a cat in a box because then we’d never know for sure if the cat is alive or dead. THIS IS RUDE. Come on people! Don’t go putting cats in boxes! If you’re curious I can tell you what you’ll get: a pissed off cat to the face, that’s what. And I’ll have to say that you deserve it. RUDE.
If you’ve read the forward to Stephen Hawking’s book “A Brief History of Time,” then you know he once got in a debate with an elderly woman who insisted the universe was held up Disc world-style on the back of a giant turtle. The great Stephen Hawking admits that he can’t refute that claim as a possibility. I’m paraphrasing from memory here, but I think I remember he busted out with this zinger of a retort: “If that’s so, then what’s underneath the turtles?”
OH SNAP, OLD LADY! GOTCHA!
To which she replied something like: “It’s just turtles all the way down, young man.”
CHECK MATE, STEPHEN HAWKING.
No one can assure you of a perfectly safe trip through the Universe, but if you keep these facts in mind, you won’t be such an intergalactic n00b.