Lately, I haven’t been feeling that great about how I look.  For most of my life, I’ve been super thin.  Like, almost sickly looking, but that is how I’ve liked it.  And I suffered from anorexia for a loooong time.  This past year is the first year (besides a few eating relapses) that I’ve let go.  While it’s always in the back of my mind, like any addiction, I’ve managed to live without restricting my food intake.  Unfortunately, this means I’ve gained a little weight.  While I know I look normal and logically I know I’m not fat, I just feel awful.  Thing is, I don’t exercise.  I hate to run and joining any kind of gym costs money.  Exercising is expensive, yo!

Over the weekend, I decided I’d had enough.  Most of my clothes are XS or S or 0’s or 2’s.  They just don’t fit anymore and trying to squeeze into them makes me feel like a fat blob.  I decided to get rid of every piece of clothing, underwear and all, that makes me feel fat.  I did a major cleaning.  In years past, I bought children’s size 10 or 12 underwear and felt good that I was able to fit sizes so small.  And, now I have a real adult body and trying to squeeze into kids’ sized underwear would make anyone feel fat.  It’s all gone.  I went and bought new, adult sized underwear.  Guess what?  It doesn’t make me feel fat, it actually fits.  It has room for my normal sized butt.  Shocking, right?

I went for a walk yesterday.  An exercise walk.  And while I didn’t necessarily enjoy it, I listened to a book and walked for about an hour.  It was great for my self esteem.  I want to continue doing it.  I’m not going to make an exercising declaration like I have in the past, but I hope I keep going.  For me.  This past year I’ve learned to build myself up and to stop tearing myself down.  I can no longer hope the weight or bad thoughts or whatever will go away, I have to take action.  These are the first steps.