Have you ever fell into a song and not been able to get out?  That totally happened to me last night (and still today and probably tomorrow, too.  I jumped on the Christina Perri bandwagon and that song “Arms” is just so good.  I listened to it all the way home from school last night (about 45 minutes) and sang really loudly (appropriate adverb usage?  Not sure).  Most of her songs are about recovering from a debilitating break up (been there), but this one is about finding someone who understands and works to break down her walls (your, my?).  And I really like it and relate to it (about having the walls mostly).  I’m going to go ahead and admit that the last time I got stuck in a song it was Katy Perry’s “Hot n’ Cold” and I emailed it to this dude I was seeing.  With the line, “This is how you make me feel.”  I’m just going to let that sink in for a sec…

Yeah, so, that’s embarrassing.  But, in the 45 minutes of listening to the song and feeling sad about being single, I remembered I’m choosing to be single right now.  Trying to do the right thing for myself.  I was in a very brief relationship a couple of weeks ago.  On my birthday, I realized I haven’t been single on my birthday since I turned 15.  I’m 27.  And, that got me thinking about how I compartmentalize my life by which guy I was with at the time, like, “Oh, that happened in 20__, and I remember that because (insert generic hipster boy name) and I were sitting on the couch…”  And the guy I ended the relationship with is a great guy.  It’s simply not the next right thing for me now.  Because I need more time to learn to love myself.  I’m getting there.  I just need more time and I forget to love myself when I’m in relationships (which also needs to change).  Then I started thinking about ex’s that aren’t so bad now in hindsight and email–then I realized I needed to get it together and step away from the email.  That got me back into the song and the walls and me thinking about finding “that person” (let’s face it, it doesn’t exist, life is hard sometimes.  It isn’t always running through the field singing “The Hills Are Alive”) who will want to break down my walls and…and…

I don’t want walls that need to be broken down.  I don’t have to be broken anymore.  I feel broken, in the sense of a broken toy, you know, damaged.  I don’t want that for myself anymore.  And that’s why I need this time to be single and heal and not consider myself damaged goods (like Sylvia Plath in The Bell Jar.  Things didn’t turn out so great for her. Oven).  I’ve never allowed myself that.

So, I’m giving myself at least 6 months of being single with no, absolutely NO dating.  There is definitely a challenge ahead of me because my go to when I’m hurting is to rope some dude in (I’m laying down the lasso, haha).  I want to get some kind of jewelry symbolizing this change in me considering I’ve never done anything like this before.  And I’m excited and scared.  Maybe a rope ring or something.  Or pendant.

{photo sources: 1, 2, 3}

P.S. I would love to hear from you guys…I miss your comments

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