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I’ve made some new friends recently who are pretty conservative (not politically just in general. Maybe they are politically,too, I really have no idea. We don’t sit around and talk about those things, it’s one of the things you’re not supposed to talk about. Politics and religion, but we do discuss religion because I know them from church [yes, I’ve been going to church, it’s weird for me, too] so we don’t want to add to the weirdness by adding politics in there, although I’m pretty sure they’re Republicans. Who knows.)

So, when I accidentally throw an eff bomb into a conversation, it isn’t generally well received. I try to hold it in, they’re just fighting to get out, those eff bombs! And it’s really unnecessary for me to use that word anyway, but back to what I was saying.

We’ll all be at lunch or something and someone will say something completely innocent and then I’ll add to the conversation. And, I can hear it coming out of my mouth but I can’t take it back. I am the queen of saying innuendos, often sexual, mistakenly. I don’t even mean them that way, I mean the real meaning of the words, no innuendos, but once I realize what I’m saying I turn red and they all realize what I said and then it’s on.

Ya’ll.

It’s like every lunch I have with them. They probably think I have a horribly dirty mind. And I make it worse by immediately saying, omg I can’t believe I just said that and everyone has already heard it and then this other dude will add to it and it’s really funny and he takes it there but he whispers it so I’m the only one who hears and people think I’m the crazy one. Poo.

Recently, I was thinking about my love of proclamations. They’re pretty much ultimatums I make for my life and then never follow through. Well, sometimes I follow through, I guess that’s another proclamation. The never. Does anyone else have a problem with this? It often seems like most people have it all together and just know what to do and have no problem being adults. So, I’m like, I need to get it together. Let’s make a change, self. Then I tell myself things like,

I’m never talking to her again

I’m never talking to him again

I’m never smoking again

No more texting

No more facebook

I’m going to call one of them every day

I’m going to work out every day

I’m never eating sugar again

Those people are crazy

I’m crazy

I’m not dating anyone for 6 months

I’m going to do (fill in random, intense life change here) every day/week/month/second

I’m going to do this better

I’m going to do this perfect

Then after I make said proclamation, the next week/month/day (more often than not, it’s the next day…sigh) I’m doing it again. But not just doing it, I’m doing it full force. I’m all like, well, eff it. If I can’t do said ridiculous thing perfectly, then I might as well do the opposite super intensely. Like, I’m going to smoke 3 PACKS OF CIGARETTES TODAY since I smoked one (I have actually quit smoking for a little over 2 months, yay me), I’m going to call the shit out of this person, I’m going to eat 4 pounds of sugar, I’m going to drink EIGHT cups of coffee!!

So, after I break the whatever, I’m super disappointed in myself and I feel like a failure and a loser and crazy and like I’m never going to do anything right and blah blah blah. It’s kind of no wonder I continue to attract crazy people. Goodness me.

Maybe I will try to say things like, I’m going to try to do this better, once a week, cut down, quit, whatever. And then if I fail I can try again. Because life is more about trying and doing my best. Not doing it perfect. No one can live up to that.

Can you relate?

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I don’t know about you, but I’m totally addicted to my phone. I’m constantly checking Twitter and Facebook and commenting away on every single little thing that’s going on. Like this:

Who cares that I’m ordering school books, I’ll tell you. Me. And that’s it. Because they’re expensive.

So, I decided to unplug for TWO WHOLE DAYS. No phone (because texting is out of control and it’s making my life unmanageable. FAY), no Facebook and no Twitter. I had to use my computer to complete school assignments so I couldn’t completely unplug everything. But, while on the computer, I disabled my messenger so I couldn’t get distracted by it.

I gave the people I talk to regularly the phone number for the land line and encouraged them to contact me by calling if they needed anything. Shockingly, my one friend who texts me about 100 times a day (seriously, I’m not exaggerating) didn’t call at all. I guess those messages just aren’t that important.

The weird thing is that I kept thinking of random things I needed to tweet, like “These crackers taste weird” “Chico is being bossy” “It’s freezing in here.” Stupid.

Something amazing happened. I realized I can live without my phone! OMG. I didn’t know I could. No texting, facebook, twitter, whatever and I survived. (And I didn’t get in a horrible car accident where I wasn’t able to call 911. It’s a fear of mine.) I lived even though I couldn’t constantly connect with everyone I know.

But, as soon as I turned the phone back on I was stuck to it again immediately. Checking texts, Facebook and Twitter for the last two days. I think I stared at the screen for 2 whole hours and I was with friends. I missed the point here somehow.

We don’t have any plans yet. But, just so people can see how cool and amazing we are, we made this video to trick people into inviting us to something. Because, if not we’ll be hanging out with my parents who go to bed at 9pm and will be slowly killing myself  buttering stuff with a butter knife. So.

[youtube:http://youtu.be/oWpOpsygpzg%5D

I’m finished with my quarter.  The build up to final critique is insane.  There’s really nothing like it.  The week before, no one is sleeping or eating or doing anything fun.  Which means there is a huge lack of rationality.  And a lot of crying.

But it’s all worth it, I tell myself.  Because I just know my projects are awesome (well, some of them). If I work hard enough, the critique panel will like my stuff and they’ll tell me their companies are going to hire me on the spot and I can drop out of school and nyan cats will rain down upon me.

It never happens that way!

I spent hours upon hours upon hours (x100) working on a model for a knitting shop. Here’s some lovely pictures:

(The first rendition of the outside walls were clay, but they fell apart after it dried.  The clay walls were awesome)

I also knitted and crocheted all of those little things out of embroidery floss. EMBROIDERY FLOSS. On size 0 needles.  I’m so glad to be done with that.

So, the lady in my critique told me it was too expected. She wanted to see more. And that the rest of my projects were not very good (No nyan cats raining :(  ). The other 2 people were more pleased, but the one lady.  Geez.

But now it’s over. Yay. And it’s Christmas time! Yay. See the little Christmas tree in the model? No detail left unattained, ya’ll.

My internet is slow, it’s a ho!
I hate it and I want it to know.
I’m trying to watch vide–oooooos!
Because I’m angry and blue
And I have no reason to
be.

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My whole life, when anything got too hard, I quit.  Teeball, Brownies, AP Biology, graduate school…  I’ve never tried for anything I didn’t know I’d be good at (except twice, I did swim team in high school and tried out for dance team in middle school.  Sucked at both)  And right now, I’m trying at something I’m not feeling I’m good at and I want to quit so much.  BUT, I’m not going to.

Quitting has always been a way of protecting myself.  “I could be good at (insert here) if I really tried.”  And if I quit, I didn’t have to prove myself.  I could go on say I could be good at it.  Well, school is kicking my ass and I’m really trying and I don’t think I’m very good at design.  But I’m not going to quit.  I’m going to keep going.  I feel like the panic and stress I’m experiencing right now is going to kill me, but I’m going to keep going.  My fear is that I’m going to try and try and try and I’m going to find I’m not good at it and that is just not acceptable to me.  But I have to keep going to find out.

I have a project due today.  A project for a class that has me living in fear.  I literally started crying in classes 3 DAYS IN A ROW last week because of this class.  All of my teachers probably think I’m emotionally unstable, which I am a little at this point.  Because of this hell class.  Last week, we (as a collective class) were berated for 2 hours about how lazy we are and how we’re not trying and how much we suck and on and on and on.  It would be funny if it were happening to someone else.  The stuff that was coming out of this guy’s mouth was like stuff from a movie teacher.  He said something along the lines of, “Your illustration skills are just not up to par, I hope these are stand in illustrations and you get a real illustrator to do them for you.”

Did that sink in?

Insulted on top of the insult.  And remember, I did the illustrations and I’m not working hard enough.  According to this dude.  Because my illustrations are terrible.

This class has me rethinking my whole life.  I’m having an existential breakdown.  I’m all, who am I?  What am I doing here?  Maybe I’ll drop out and become an escort because if I suck as a designer, that’s the only job I’ll be able to get.  See what I mean?

So, where am I going with this…we have to redesign the packaging for this.  The bottle, not the bar.  Those little white lines on the label are type.  Cultish, weird stuff about the Moral ABCs.  And we have to keep all of the type.  Everyone not doing the project seems to think it’ll be “fun.”  Guess what?  It’s not.  It’s hellacious.

I’ve been working hard and designing my label.  Everything was going great and I had it done after working on it for 4 or 5 days.  Days.  Then I started staring at it.  And hating it.  I would show you a picture, but at this point, I hate it so much that I’m too embarrassed. ‘hipster sigh’ Design school is hard. Now I don’t know what to do. Redesign or keep it and if I want to redesign, what do I do with it?  I just don’t know.

Working away

In light of me at panic attack level all day so far, pretty much since I woke up due to school, I’m going to post some pretty pictures.  I took these a while ago.  BSTW will continue as scheduled next week.

Chico makes things better…

 

As my teachers are trying to kill me one assignment at a time.

Did you see the ghosts in that picture?  They’re following me.

Any words of encouragement you can give me today will be much appreciated.

Details:
Jumper: BCBG
Shoes: c/o Bruno Magli

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