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We don’t have any plans yet. But, just so people can see how cool and amazing we are, we made this video to trick people into inviting us to something. Because, if not we’ll be hanging out with my parents who go to bed at 9pm and will be slowly killing myself  buttering stuff with a butter knife. So.

[youtube:http://youtu.be/oWpOpsygpzg%5D

Chico and I are back at work today. He’s currently sniffing the floor with some kind of mission and I’m really paranoid that he’s going to pee. Usually sniffing this intense leads to pee.

On another note, my phone service has been suspended due to me being in graduate school and having no money. I’m looking on the bright side: it will be nice to have a break from my phone. On the down side, I might have no idea what is going on on New Year’s Eve. The only thing more depressing than having no plans on NYE is having no plans on Christmas. For reals.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas or Winter Solstice or whatever you celebrate. Here’s a highlight from my celebration:

My family is insane about out-bowing each other on gifts. I think my mom started it and now everyone is making all of these insane bows–different types with different cool materials and it’s out of control. They will also save bows from years past (mostly my moms) so there may be bows from 5 years ago on some of these packages, but at least there is a bow, damn it!

It’s a tradition for me to put them all on my head. I tried to get out of it this year, but there was some heckling and they kept throwing the bows at me anyway, so.

Two is the number of hours of sleep I’ve had.  Twelve is the number of hours straight I worked on my model yesterday.  Am I done?  No.  I’m not sure if I’m even close to done.  Every time I think I’m almost there, something happens and there seem to be endless hours of work ahead.  For some reason, this project has become my masterpiece.  I feel like it’s going to be the last project I ever work on and if it isn’t perfect, life won’t go on.

I watched Alpha Dog (disturbing) and Valentines Day (not sure how I feel about this movie) last night. Good news, I now know I can totally zone out while knitting and it’s like the knitting just gets longer and time just passes.  It’s pretty awesome.

So, originally, my model was going to be of a knitting shop called Knit in Public (an actual brick and mortar) and the outside was going to be a knitted scarf I was going to make out of clay.  In my mind this looked awesome.  I posted an awesome tweet while brainstorming this idea btw.

I spent 5 hours making my dream a reality. Twice:

Much to my chagrin, after spending the majority of my Sunday on this, it looks like a Native American hill dwelling I visited as a child with my grandparents.

I anxiously waited for my masterpiece to air dry and when I checked on it hours later, it had all cracked and crumbled.  I tried to glue it back together with no luck.  I have no pictures of this because I almost threw it across the room and my camera wasn’t what I was thinking about.

Being the perfectionist I tend to be, I threw the clay away and started over.  With real yarn and knitting needles. Took about 5 hours to knit the scarf:

Oh yes, that’s a mosaic walkway.

School is back in session!  As much as I enjoyed laying in my bed watching Modern Family (OMG! seriously, the best show ever) and Game of Thrones, it’s nice to have a purpose to my days again.  I did make many, many, many bear ears which will soon be available.

The past few days, I’ve been embracing the town my parents’ house is in.  Instead of driving into the city every day, I’m staying out here on my days off.  It’s finally hit me that I’m out here to stay (at least for a while) and I need to make friends.  So, I’m working on making some.  It’s exciting.  I’ve reconnected with old friends and have met some new, wonderful ladies.

I wonder if every one else at school is having as much fear and trepidation as I am.  As I mentioned before, I have a hard time staying in the moment.  I have this little voice in my head telling me I’m going to be a failure and that is horrifying!!  Because once that little voice gets hold, my mind goes to, What if you’re not supposed to be at this school?  What if you’re not good enough?  What if you’re never good enough?  You’ll never get a job and you’ll be in so much debt!  You’re going to be a failure! You’re never going to have a career!  You’re going to die alone and feral cats will eat your body!  and on and on and on…

Huff…I feel a little stressed just writing it out, but a little better putting it out there.  It doesn’t have as much power once I see it.  It’s almost laughable.  I need to write those things on toilet paper (like I said I was) and flush them.

Ok.  Today is going to be a great day.  And I’m going to do my best, and that’s all I can do, right?

I keep forgetting to enjoy my life.  Like, right now.  Right now is a moment that can be enjoyed, but I’m so over powered with fear and worry of the future I’m letting today slip through my fingers.  Like sand, yo!  Bam!

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One of my friends suggested writing things that are freaking me out (school, job, what I’m going to do tomorrow, life, success) on toilet paper and then flushing them down the toilet.  I think I might try it.  I’ve got to change something, because I can’t keep letting worry take over and allow me to miss what’s going on right in front of my eyes.

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OMG, I made it through the quarter!  Woot!

When I woke up yesterday, I felt like I was in a nightmare–I was soooo nervous about my critique!  In my first two quarters I felt relieved on critique day, but not yesterday.  I was petrified.  But, I went to it and it went well.  I got some great constructive criticism, they didn’t absolutely hate everything I made.  I was so scared that they were going to tell me everything I created over the last 10 weeks sucked and I’m never going to be a good designer and I should quit now and then throw tomatoes at me and ruin my pretty dress.  That didn’t happen.  It was really nice.

Now, I’m on my break and I have no idea what to do with myself.  I picked up a knitting project I haven’t worked on in…I don’t know, a year?  This thing is ridiculous, ya’ll (there are pictures in the link).  I looked through almost all of my knitting books and magazines last night and was convinced I wanted to pull it all out and start a new project (my mom was all like, “You CANNOT pull this out, all this work!”).  But, after looking at hundred of pages of patterns, I decided to keep going with it.  Sigh.

Today, Chico and I are chillin’.  We’re basking in the light of our success (I consider it our success because he’s spent a lot of long nights glaring at me while I worked on projects until the wee hours of the morning).  Maybe we’ll finally get a chance to get together with those Asian Cajuns.

(the letter o provided by Daily Drop Cap)

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My whole life, when anything got too hard, I quit.  Teeball, Brownies, AP Biology, graduate school…  I’ve never tried for anything I didn’t know I’d be good at (except twice, I did swim team in high school and tried out for dance team in middle school.  Sucked at both)  And right now, I’m trying at something I’m not feeling I’m good at and I want to quit so much.  BUT, I’m not going to.

Quitting has always been a way of protecting myself.  “I could be good at (insert here) if I really tried.”  And if I quit, I didn’t have to prove myself.  I could go on say I could be good at it.  Well, school is kicking my ass and I’m really trying and I don’t think I’m very good at design.  But I’m not going to quit.  I’m going to keep going.  I feel like the panic and stress I’m experiencing right now is going to kill me, but I’m going to keep going.  My fear is that I’m going to try and try and try and I’m going to find I’m not good at it and that is just not acceptable to me.  But I have to keep going to find out.

I have a project due today.  A project for a class that has me living in fear.  I literally started crying in classes 3 DAYS IN A ROW last week because of this class.  All of my teachers probably think I’m emotionally unstable, which I am a little at this point.  Because of this hell class.  Last week, we (as a collective class) were berated for 2 hours about how lazy we are and how we’re not trying and how much we suck and on and on and on.  It would be funny if it were happening to someone else.  The stuff that was coming out of this guy’s mouth was like stuff from a movie teacher.  He said something along the lines of, “Your illustration skills are just not up to par, I hope these are stand in illustrations and you get a real illustrator to do them for you.”

Did that sink in?

Insulted on top of the insult.  And remember, I did the illustrations and I’m not working hard enough.  According to this dude.  Because my illustrations are terrible.

This class has me rethinking my whole life.  I’m having an existential breakdown.  I’m all, who am I?  What am I doing here?  Maybe I’ll drop out and become an escort because if I suck as a designer, that’s the only job I’ll be able to get.  See what I mean?

So, where am I going with this…we have to redesign the packaging for this.  The bottle, not the bar.  Those little white lines on the label are type.  Cultish, weird stuff about the Moral ABCs.  And we have to keep all of the type.  Everyone not doing the project seems to think it’ll be “fun.”  Guess what?  It’s not.  It’s hellacious.

I’ve been working hard and designing my label.  Everything was going great and I had it done after working on it for 4 or 5 days.  Days.  Then I started staring at it.  And hating it.  I would show you a picture, but at this point, I hate it so much that I’m too embarrassed. ‘hipster sigh’ Design school is hard. Now I don’t know what to do. Redesign or keep it and if I want to redesign, what do I do with it?  I just don’t know.

This morning I saw Slaight at the front door.  She’s 16.  My first animal and now my dad’s (my parents wouldn’t let me take her when I moved out).  She comes to the door when she wants to come in and just sits there because she knows it may take a little while, she’s pretty patient.  See, the dogs have an electric fence inside the house and they wear special collars so they can’t leave the living room or kitchen (they go to the bathroom everywhere–except Chico) but they can still come to the threshold of the living room and act like they are going to eat Slaight).  So, every time she comes in she has to come to the front door and it’s a huge production to let her in because that door doesn’t open easily and the dogs freak and their collars beep and it’s ridiculous.  We all know they aren’t going to go past the shock line. Why bark like that?  Ugh

As cats do, Slaight takes her sweet time getting up and coming in the door.  Sometimes she just stands in between the door and the foyer and stares at me.  To be an ass.  This morning I saw her little ears over the glass of the door and assumed she needed to come in.  No.  I went through the whole process of opening the door and arousing the dogs and she gave me this horrible look.  So, to teach her a lesson, I shut the door and decided not to wait for her.  To teach her a lesson, you know, to come in the house in my time.  Because it’s all about me.  ‘sigh’  I have been trying to teach that cat a lesson since I got her and she still operates in cat time.  And I realized today how ridiculous I am.

P.S. I don’t think I’m getting this whole “break” thing from the August Break.  If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been posting in the cry babies tag a lot this week because I’ve been freaking out about school.  Like, freaking out.  Hopefully, this week will be better.

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