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A friend of mine called me a “ray of sunshine” the other day. I can’t tell you how much this touches me and warms my heart. No one has ever, ever called me that, referred to me in any way shape or form that relates to sun or even though about associating me with positivity. Ever.

And for good reason. I’ve been a thunderstorm most of my life. Ok, all of my life. If you’re a long time reader, you’re probably already familiar with me and my ups and downs, but mostly downs. And I thought that’s how it was always going to be. Just, well, bad. Not that I have been okay with this, but that’s how it always was and I didn’t know any different. Other than a week or so here and there of feeling really good, I was just getting by. Most of the time drowning.

People in my life expect me to screw up and be a downer. And, let’s face it, no one wants to be around that. I don’t blame them. If all I’ve ever shown anyone is that I can screw up why had I expected they should anticipate anything else from me? That’s stupid. And I have been a screw up and hard to be around my whole life. But, as hard as I tried, I just couldn’t be anything else. And I tried.

So, when someone called me a ray of sunshine, it felt amazing. Because I’ve worked extremely hard the past 6 months, with a little chemical (legal) help, to change myself completely. And I have. People are constantly telling me what a difference they see in me, that I’m like a different person.

You know what it is? It’s hope. For the first time in my life, I have it. And I’ve had it for months. Sure, every day isn’t rainbows and unicorns and some days are just plain shitty, but that’s totally normal. But hope for the future. A future I’m excited about. And I see  a future for the first time. Can you imagine living your whole life without having any hope for the future? So bleak.

Basically, I feel amazing. And so thankful. There’s a song in my heart and a sparkle in my eye and joy in my life for the first time ever.

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As you may know, it’s been an interesting year for me and dating. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read here, here, here and those are just these ones that have been recorded on this blog. There has been plenty more ridiculousness I haven’t cared to share.

It’s been my year of extreme dating and frankly, I’m tired. I’m tired of the assholes I’ve met that only want to get laid. It’s like they don’t even try to woo me. I mean, try to warm me up first, geez. I’m not a prostitute.

My very close friends have been encouraging me to take 6 months to a year to commit to being single and date no one. Partly because I’ve had a boyfriend on my birthday every year for the past 11 years (not all different boys, mind you)  I keep saying I’m going to commit to this break and I really mean it at the time. Then I meet someone almost immediately after making the commitment and ignore forget.

But, none of these compare to the guy I was dating for the past two months. He was a doozy. And he didn’t break up well and when I say he didn’t break up well, I mean he went insane and turned into a horrible crazy man with red bulging eyes who was possible foaming at the mouth.

Then, then sent a barrage of rageful, nasty texts, facebook messages and emails. I, of course, being the new positive me, haven’t responded to any of this and deleted his number and blocked him off my facebook. I can’t be bombarded with negativity, feel me? Haven’t really figured out how to get him out of my email other that just deleting as soon as I see it’s from him.

Anyway, this last dude was the final straw to get me to really commit to staying single until at least my birthday. I think I can make it 5 months. It will be hard because I’m starting to freak out about it after two weeks about being alone forever. But I can’t do it!

Go me!

A friend of mine, Melody, needed a little help deciphering a crochet pattern (she’s a newbie to the wonderful world of fiber arts). So, I made this.

School is back in session!  As much as I enjoyed laying in my bed watching Modern Family (OMG! seriously, the best show ever) and Game of Thrones, it’s nice to have a purpose to my days again.  I did make many, many, many bear ears which will soon be available.

The past few days, I’ve been embracing the town my parents’ house is in.  Instead of driving into the city every day, I’m staying out here on my days off.  It’s finally hit me that I’m out here to stay (at least for a while) and I need to make friends.  So, I’m working on making some.  It’s exciting.  I’ve reconnected with old friends and have met some new, wonderful ladies.

I wonder if every one else at school is having as much fear and trepidation as I am.  As I mentioned before, I have a hard time staying in the moment.  I have this little voice in my head telling me I’m going to be a failure and that is horrifying!!  Because once that little voice gets hold, my mind goes to, What if you’re not supposed to be at this school?  What if you’re not good enough?  What if you’re never good enough?  You’ll never get a job and you’ll be in so much debt!  You’re going to be a failure! You’re never going to have a career!  You’re going to die alone and feral cats will eat your body!  and on and on and on…

Huff…I feel a little stressed just writing it out, but a little better putting it out there.  It doesn’t have as much power once I see it.  It’s almost laughable.  I need to write those things on toilet paper (like I said I was) and flush them.

Ok.  Today is going to be a great day.  And I’m going to do my best, and that’s all I can do, right?

Have you ever fell into a song and not been able to get out?  That totally happened to me last night (and still today and probably tomorrow, too.  I jumped on the Christina Perri bandwagon and that song “Arms” is just so good.  I listened to it all the way home from school last night (about 45 minutes) and sang really loudly (appropriate adverb usage?  Not sure).  Most of her songs are about recovering from a debilitating break up (been there), but this one is about finding someone who understands and works to break down her walls (your, my?).  And I really like it and relate to it (about having the walls mostly).  I’m going to go ahead and admit that the last time I got stuck in a song it was Katy Perry’s “Hot n’ Cold” and I emailed it to this dude I was seeing.  With the line, “This is how you make me feel.”  I’m just going to let that sink in for a sec…

Yeah, so, that’s embarrassing.  But, in the 45 minutes of listening to the song and feeling sad about being single, I remembered I’m choosing to be single right now.  Trying to do the right thing for myself.  I was in a very brief relationship a couple of weeks ago.  On my birthday, I realized I haven’t been single on my birthday since I turned 15.  I’m 27.  And, that got me thinking about how I compartmentalize my life by which guy I was with at the time, like, “Oh, that happened in 20__, and I remember that because (insert generic hipster boy name) and I were sitting on the couch…”  And the guy I ended the relationship with is a great guy.  It’s simply not the next right thing for me now.  Because I need more time to learn to love myself.  I’m getting there.  I just need more time and I forget to love myself when I’m in relationships (which also needs to change).  Then I started thinking about ex’s that aren’t so bad now in hindsight and email–then I realized I needed to get it together and step away from the email.  That got me back into the song and the walls and me thinking about finding “that person” (let’s face it, it doesn’t exist, life is hard sometimes.  It isn’t always running through the field singing “The Hills Are Alive”) who will want to break down my walls and…and…

I don’t want walls that need to be broken down.  I don’t have to be broken anymore.  I feel broken, in the sense of a broken toy, you know, damaged.  I don’t want that for myself anymore.  And that’s why I need this time to be single and heal and not consider myself damaged goods (like Sylvia Plath in The Bell Jar.  Things didn’t turn out so great for her. Oven).  I’ve never allowed myself that.

So, I’m giving myself at least 6 months of being single with no, absolutely NO dating.  There is definitely a challenge ahead of me because my go to when I’m hurting is to rope some dude in (I’m laying down the lasso, haha).  I want to get some kind of jewelry symbolizing this change in me considering I’ve never done anything like this before.  And I’m excited and scared.  Maybe a rope ring or something.  Or pendant.

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P.S. I would love to hear from you guys…I miss your comments

I love this quote!

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quote via Rumi

Since I was a little disappointed at the response from the first go ’round, I’m posting this again.  We have a good start, which you can see from the comments.  But, we need more.  Please comment, be a part of the conversation!  I heard a new ad the other day and the Most Interesting Man in the World walks by you and even in he doesn’t say anything, you feel like he asked you about your morning and said hello.  We need an equivalent to that.  The girl that you want to be and the one the guys want to do.  Like, Fiona from Burn Notice.

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Come on, friends, let’s make this lady!

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The most interesting man in the world sees pretty awesome.  If you haven’t seen these commercials, I suggest you watch at least one here (scroll down).  I’d totally want to date him if he wasn’t as old as my grandfather, and seemingly self-centered.

But, where’s ours, ladies?  We need a most interesting lady.  And I say lady and not woman because, being from the South, anyone can be a woman, but it takes something special to be a Lady.  What kind of qualities should the Most Interesting Lady in the World have?  I need your help on this and then I will compile and possibly make a video.  If not a video, definitely something cool.

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One quality she possesses is confidence in herself.  Who she is and what she does.

What kind of qualities do you want in her?

I was watching an episode of America’s Next Top Model a couple of Saturdays ago with Roomie and one of the girls was yelling, “Just because I’m not spewing rainbows doesn’t mean I won’t make a good role model!!”  All of us at home did realize she had a kind of lousy attitude, but a lot of models do.  Just sayin’.  Anyway, this got me thinking.  I don’t spew rainbows.  And I feel like I’ve been like this for most of my life toward those lucky rainbow spewers (demonstrated in picture below)

I have been known as the quintessential rain on your parader.  I felt threatened by the rainbow spewers.  I stayed away from them.  Couldn’t relate to someone who constantly saw the glass half full and smile through most situations and had a generally sunny disposition to life.  I was not sunny.  Like, probably the opposite of sunny.  Then multiply that by 100.

After watching this episode, I realized, for the first time in my life I would like to spew rainbows.  Maybe one day, I will be the sunny person in the room people are drawn to.  I’m definitely getting there.  As I said on twitter the other day, “I’ve been mean since I came out of the womb.”  You know what?  I’m tired of being so mean.  I’m tired of having the wall up and keeping every one at an arm’s distance in case, heaven forbid, someone gets too close and might really know me.

In the past six months or so, I have made major strides toward being nicer and sunnier.  I’m excited about where I’m headed.  I don’t need the wall or the “wittiness” to protect me anymore.  I want to be out there and I want to be liked.  I’ll always be a little weird and a little different, but it’s no longer okay for me to hide behind those things as an excuse to separate myself from humanity.

Who knows?  Maybe one day soon I’ll be walking around spewing rainbows annoying my former self

I had the best weekend ever.  It was awesome.  I haven’t had this much fun in I don’t know when.

I went to a Low Country Boil.  It was awesome and I got to hang out with friends I haven’t seen in years.  Awesome.

It was soooo good.  Even though the heads were still on the shrimp.  And I had to have someone prepare one for me to prove they were worth the work.  Because scrimps have poo and it’s gross.  According to one of my friends, all meat items come from “Planet Animalia” and then he went on to explain what that means.  I totally don’t get it.  But, shrimp are in this category.  According to him.

My friend, Rob, came dressed as Miami Vice.  It was awesome.  I couldn’t get them in the shot, but he was rockin’ some white keds with this ensemble.  Hell yes.  (Please go to his facebook and check out the profile pic.  It’s pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened to the world of photography.)

The COPS even showed up!

Just kidding.  He’s our buddy.  (I’m sure he’s heard this joke a million times.)

We had a great time and I helped and washed dishes.  Because sometimes chatting with your girlfriends while washing dishes is amazing.

Somehow, Vanessa and Lisa convinced me to go to a beach themed dance party.  And, I committed to dancing.  I haven’t danced in public since 6th grade, and it was an exception even then.  I feel like I’ve made such a big deal out of not dancing, that now I’m more insecure than ever about it.  I have always wished I could be uninhibited enough to just dance (it looks fun), but I never have been.  Until, that is, last night!  It was a major plus that I got to dress up.

Look at the leopard print shoes, they’re awesome!  I kind of forgot I have them.

I got to hang out with more people I haven’t seen in years.  It was really nice to see all of them.  Big time nostalgia.  I was reminded of my late teens and early twenties when we used to drive around the city and stay out til all hours of the night.  I remember how exciting the city seemed and how cool I felt to be out so late.  The things I have forgotten and that have lost their luster the older I get.

We started off eating at the wonderful Holy Taco…I took the opportunity to have a photo op.

Don’t you just love that hat?  I want it…it probably looks better on him though.

The party was so much fun and the dancing was fun.  It was just a great night overall.

When I got home from work last night, I finally felt attractive enough to take pictures of my new stuff.  To put up in the store.  And, I think these are the first pictures of myself I am happy with in a long time.  I think it was Sizzle who said she was looking back through old pictures and realized she shouldn’t have been giving herself such a hard time about her weight, at the time.  I feel like I’m going to feel like that about now in the future.  Does that make sense?

So, you guys should buy something from me.  Yes, I’m totally using this as a forum to peddle my wares.

Have a great Thursday!

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