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Recently, I was thinking about my love of proclamations. They’re pretty much ultimatums I make for my life and then never follow through. Well, sometimes I follow through, I guess that’s another proclamation. The never. Does anyone else have a problem with this? It often seems like most people have it all together and just know what to do and have no problem being adults. So, I’m like, I need to get it together. Let’s make a change, self. Then I tell myself things like,

I’m never talking to her again

I’m never talking to him again

I’m never smoking again

No more texting

No more facebook

I’m going to call one of them every day

I’m going to work out every day

I’m never eating sugar again

Those people are crazy

I’m crazy

I’m not dating anyone for 6 months

I’m going to do (fill in random, intense life change here) every day/week/month/second

I’m going to do this better

I’m going to do this perfect

Then after I make said proclamation, the next week/month/day (more often than not, it’s the next day…sigh) I’m doing it again. But not just doing it, I’m doing it full force. I’m all like, well, eff it. If I can’t do said ridiculous thing perfectly, then I might as well do the opposite super intensely. Like, I’m going to smoke 3 PACKS OF CIGARETTES TODAY since I smoked one (I have actually quit smoking for a little over 2 months, yay me), I’m going to call the shit out of this person, I’m going to eat 4 pounds of sugar, I’m going to drink EIGHT cups of coffee!!

So, after I break the whatever, I’m super disappointed in myself and I feel like a failure and a loser and crazy and like I’m never going to do anything right and blah blah blah. It’s kind of no wonder I continue to attract crazy people. Goodness me.

Maybe I will try to say things like, I’m going to try to do this better, once a week, cut down, quit, whatever. And then if I fail I can try again. Because life is more about trying and doing my best. Not doing it perfect. No one can live up to that.

Can you relate?


{photo source/photo styling by me}

As you may know, it’s been an interesting year for me and dating. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read here, here, here and those are just these ones that have been recorded on this blog. There has been plenty more ridiculousness I haven’t cared to share.

It’s been my year of extreme dating and frankly, I’m tired. I’m tired of the assholes I’ve met that only want to get laid. It’s like they don’t even try to woo me. I mean, try to warm me up first, geez. I’m not a prostitute.

My very close friends have been encouraging me to take 6 months to a year to commit to being single and date no one. Partly because I’ve had a boyfriend on my birthday every year for the past 11 years (not all different boys, mind you)  I keep saying I’m going to commit to this break and I really mean it at the time. Then I meet someone almost immediately after making the commitment and ignore forget.

But, none of these compare to the guy I was dating for the past two months. He was a doozy. And he didn’t break up well and when I say he didn’t break up well, I mean he went insane and turned into a horrible crazy man with red bulging eyes who was possible foaming at the mouth.

Then, then sent a barrage of rageful, nasty texts, facebook messages and emails. I, of course, being the new positive me, haven’t responded to any of this and deleted his number and blocked him off my facebook. I can’t be bombarded with negativity, feel me? Haven’t really figured out how to get him out of my email other that just deleting as soon as I see it’s from him.

Anyway, this last dude was the final straw to get me to really commit to staying single until at least my birthday. I think I can make it 5 months. It will be hard because I’m starting to freak out about it after two weeks about being alone forever. But I can’t do it!

Go me!

Even though the post about my tattoo fears was published only yesterday, the comments, emails and texts I have received have been great.  However, I did not fully explain why my wrist tattoo has meant so much to me.  Possibly more than it would have in different circumstances.

I have a lot of scars. And it’s quite humiliating when people ask me  about them.  I know they are a part of who I am and I feel that they’re self explainatory.  I hate when people ask me about them, so I usually tell them I got attacked by a bear or a wolverine in the tundra or something weird like that.

Since I got the Sparrow over the cigarette burns, people aren’t asking me about the burns as much.  The just ask about the tattoo.  Which is amazing.  Part of the tattooing helps me express myself as an artist and the other part covers the scars I don’t want to be judged for.  Yes, I burned myself with cigarettes several years ago, but that’s not who I am anymore.  The judgment from the scars is way more damning than any tattoo could ever be.  I will forever be seen as the girl who is sad or was sad and has all of those scars that can’t be covered to prove it.  And the half sleeve will be able to cover up some more of these scars.  This is not the only reason I was to get a half sleeve, but it is part of it.  Above, you can see blue lettering across my wrist.  It says hope in Russian and I got it to remind me that even though there are scars that are from a very dark time, there is still hope.  And, I got it in Russian because it’s very personal to me and I don’t know many people who read Russian.

Having color and art over what was once sadness and pain is awesome.  And I can’t wait.  Just the whole process is a little nerve wracking.  But I didn’t give myself the chance to be nervous and think over the scars.  They were an instant decision that is lasting a life time.

I love my blog friends.  They’re the awesomest.  And, since most of you are also avid bloggers, you know what I’m talking about.  I feel like the wonderful people I’ve met through blogging are the friends I’ve been looking for all my life.  I’m trying to prove this point to my friend, Lotus.  Please visit her blog and leave her a comment telling her how much you love blogging and other bloggers.  She needs it.

In honor of all of this love, I am going to highlight some of my buds.  I can’t highlight everyone I love, because this post would end up being ridiculously long and no one would want to read it.  Sorry.

First up, Ms. Nilsa from SomiSpeaks.  She’s just awesome, and tells it like it is.  She does a little blog feature every week, telling about different posts she’s enjoyed lately and I really like that.

The lovely Shannon from Tattoos & CupcakesShannon is adorable and a super talented photographer.  I love reading about her adventures with Honey Bunches and their dogs.  If you want to meet the most positive person on earth, check out her blog and leave her a comment.

Next up, Roxy from GrrrFeisty.  First off, the name grr feisty is fantastic.  And, Roxy is a math teacher and crafter.  I’ve never found this combo before, not saying it’s rare or anything, it’s just rare to me.  She makes these cute dinosaurs with mustaches that I love.  I mean, a dinosaur with a mustache, how can you not love that?!  There are tons of webcam pics, and for some reason, this endears me to Ms. GrrFeisty.  Probably because she always looks great and I’m way to vain about my looks and the way my house looks to take webcam pics…not to mention I have no webcam.

‘sigh’  Iris from i-zilla the terrible.  She’s awesome and crafty and likes cupcakes and colorful things.  I mean, the background of her iPhone is cupcakes.  Iris is just awesome.  That’s all I have to say about that.  (Just look at those glasses…I need a pair, stat!)

Then, there is Ms. Sizzle and her adventures being the super at an apartment building full of crazy people.  She’s astoundingly entertaining, honest and nice and is a very quick email responder!  I’m so glad I met her and have enjoyed reading about the insanity she puts up with everyday.

That’s it for now, but I’m thinking of making this a series.

We had little cheesecakes.

As you know, yesterday was Valentines Day and if you would believe it, I haven’t seriously celebrated it.  Ever.  (Other than my mom getting my red hots and passing out candies in grade school)  It was really nice.  I think I spent way too much energy hating and resisting Valentines Day for the past ten years.

Justin and I walked around my neighborhood, which we rarely ever do and that was really awesome.  We went to a bakery and got some valentines pastries.  I usually hate getting out and walking around and being active.  I’m lazy.  I’ll just say it.  I would much rather sit on my couch in front of the tv.  Like, sometimes, even though I have food to microwave, I would rather just be hungry than put in the effort to put the food in the microwave.  Yeah.  Forget cooking.  So, walking around the neighborhood was really nice.  I realized how close everything is.  There is a coffee shop just a 5 minute walk from my house!  And it’s great and it’s not Starbucks.  I really need to get out and walk around more.

We went to brunch and then sat around and I read and Justin watched TV.  It was a great low key day.

We went to PF Chang’s for dinner.  My favorite restaurant.  Seriously, if I could eat anywhere, I would want to eat there.  And, Justin even waited over an hour for a table.  For me.  It was soooo sweet.

Then we came home and watched (500) Days of Summer which was totally cute.

Did you do anything fun?  Or, maybe you don’t care and don’t celebrate?

This company, Minichill, contacted me and asked me to review their product.  They told me that their product is a little shot to calm you down and help you focus.  Having panic disorder, I agreed (not to mention they sent it to me for free).  Anything to make me feel a little calmer is a wonderful thing.

So, after recovering from being sick for several days, I brought a Minichill to the office to test.  Big mistake.  First thing, the Minichill tastes really bad.  Like, so bad that you should close your nose and tilt your head back to get it to go down as fast as possible.  And, just in case you are wondering, washing it down with coffee is a horrible mistake.  Several minutes went by, THEN, a wave of nausea washed over me (actually, more smashed into me and knocked my bathing suit off).  I was so sick, I had to go home for the day and groan to myself on the couch.  Really pathetic.

I thought, “Maybe I was just sick.”  Perhaps, I hadn’t completely gotten over my sickness and the nausea was caused by that and maybe the Minichill just helped a little.  Much to Roomie’s chagrin, I tried another Minichill. Because I am a professional.

While I didn’t feel so naseous I thought I was going to die (like the first time) I did feel sick.  I had to lay in the bed for several hours on a Saturday, wasting precious weekend hours.  I wasn’t happy about it. Roomie laughed at my stupidity. (I wished I had heard the flock of puppies story at this point.)

My review is, unless you are a sick sadist and enjoy hurting yourself (I know that you are out there), do not buy this or drink it.  Ever.

After Thursday (Thanksgiving) I haven’t really done anything.  But, I thought I would document for you anyway.

Unfortunately, I didn’t take any pictures.  I was going to, but my mom made me stand in front of the Christmas mantle and take about 1,000 pictures with various family members and I acted like a 2 year-old and made faces the whole time, so I felt that I couldn’t take pictures in good conscience.

My crying aunt didn’t come, so no one cried.  But, I did use an 11 year-old who wouldn’t talk to make fun of people at the dinner table.  It was awesome.  My mom disagreed.

Then, on Friday, I finished knitting this.  For Chico.  Because he gets cold in the car on the way to work and in the freezing lobby at work.  He looks really adorable in it.  And, I knitted it in, like, 4 days.  Because I am a knitting ninja.  Eat it.  Then, I went to a friend’s house and she make me dinner and I hung out with her adorable dog.  Who has a bigger wardrobe than I do.  It’s intense.  And she helps you put sweaters on her.  It’s insane.

Then, Saturday, I did nothing.  All day.  I hung out with some friends for about an hour that night, and then nothing.  I always think that I really, really want to have time off work to just sit around my house, but the truth is, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I just get bored.  It’s sad.

I have mourned the loss of Monk in the next week.  I’m gonna miss that guy.  What a great show.

Thanksgiving.  Food, family, stress.   As a child, I was quite selfish.  Quite selfish, indeed.  I claimed to hate Thanksgiving, but I think I said this because I wasn’t the center of attention.  So,  my worry of being ignored and my “hatred” of the holiday drove me to the basement to hide and time how long it took someone to find me.  Not only did I go to the basement, but I went to the unfinished part, then through a little doorway into a  secret room where the lawn mower was kept.  I then would hide behind something.  And sit.  So, even if someone came looking for me, he or she had to work for it.

My mom was always the one to notice I was gone and come looking.  She always found and encouraged me to come back upstairs and join the rest of the family.  When I said I didn’t want to, she always told me that she needed me and one relative or another was driving her crazy.  So, I went and stood near my mother.  My grandmother always came in and stole the show with some ridiculous story or another and she usually made one of my aunts cry (this aunt is waaaay too sensitive) and then my grandmother cried and my mom got angry and she and my dad went to another room to gossip about how insane the family is.

My grandmother doesn’t eat turkey, by the way.  She doesn’t cook anything that is called its name.  Like, she doesn’t serve chicken or turkey or lamb.  I don’t really know about rabbit…that is probably off the list as well.  But, she does make Ham.  Because it’s not called pig.  This is all very logical and sensical in her mind.  Anyway, on Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, my aunt (not the crier, another one) said that she was going to bring the Turkey.  She showed up…no Turkey.  Thank goodness my grandmother has that weird obsession with the names of meats and all, because she saved Thanksgiving with her ham.  And the Turkey was never mentioned.  Weird?  Yes, it is.

Part of the tradition was the day after Thanksgiving.  This is now defunct because I am finally old enough to refuse to see Santa and have no consequences.  She (my mom) forced me to participate in this tradition until I was in sixth grade.  Holy hell, sixth grade!  Besides that, we (my mom’s side of the family) spent the entire day at the mall shopping and seeing movies and getting candy and looking at Christmas decorations.  It was entirely magical.  Now, it is just the mall.  With A TON of people that need to be punched.  The magic has died.

Tomorrow, I will be taking pictures and notes of all the drama.  Because I know my aunt will cry.  And that my grandmother will say something inappropriate.  My mom will get mad and my dad will laugh and tell her to calm down which will just make her more mad.  My cousin will act arrogant and my uncle will wear socks with sandals.  And, I will be there to document every weird thing.  For posterity.  And this blog.

P.S. I totally tagged this post with “zombies”

When I was in 10th grade, I carried around this notebook and had a question of the day.  I asked my classmates the question and I got some quite interesting answers, with a smattering of insightful ones.  My plan was to turn this project into a book.  But, instead, I painted the cover of the book with glittery nail polish and pull it out when I need a laugh.  Today, I will share one of the questions and its answers with you.  Hopefully you will find it entertaining.

One of the more asinine questions I asked was: Why Do We Have Eyebrows? And, of course, I used different, colored markers for writing in the answers, like any good 15 year-old.

  • Matt #1–to keep the sweat from your forehead out of your face
  • Nathan–to give girls one more thing to worry about
  • Brittany–So we won’t look funny
  • Rayna–more hair  to remove
  • Luke–to shade your eyes from the sun
  • Ashley–So you know where to stop the eye shadow
  • Jennifer–to keep your head warm
  • Sean– (my fav) camouflage for hiding in the bush
  • Austin–for squinting

And there you have it and now you know…why, we have eyebrows.

Ginny-helpingYesterday, after getting little sleep Friday night (Justin broke his collar bone.  Was going to write about trip to the emergency room, but thought that might be a little bitchy) I locked my keys in my car with it running.  With it running!! Something so dumb, it’s hard to fathom that I even did it.

I have AAA, but instead of calling them right away (the car was running, did I mention that?), my friend and I tried to break into the car.  For, like, an hour.

Ginny ran over to the dry cleaners down the street to get a coat hanger to try to unlock the car.  We used a size 35 knitting needle that I happened to have in my purse to pry the door open (no screw drivers in sight) and push the coat hanger into the car.  I bent the knitting needle beyond recognition, ripped up all of the weather stripping on the window and managed to scratch most of the paint off of that part of thehaha door.  Awesome.  Car. Running.  ‘sigh’

This guy (pictured at right) helped scratch most of the paint off.  While it was nice that he stopped to help, he had one of the most insane outfits on that I have ever seen.  I have marked it all out for you in the photo, complete with mustache that you can’t see from the angle of the photo.  BTW, Miss Ginny took most of these photos while giving me sideways eyes and laughing.  Way to treat a Good Samaritan, Ginny.

He disappeared to go scavenging for supplies (what?!!) for a little while and came back with a stick and a leaf.  I am only sharing this with you because it’s weird and I didn’t know what kidnapperto do.  So, I thanked him profusely for his help and told him I had called AAA and didn’t want to damage my car any further.  He left.  And he didn’t try to get any contact info from either of us.  Much appreciated.

THEN, while waiting for AAA, a guy with a kidnapper van (large, white, no windows in the back) showed up.  But, he had a British accent, so I didn’t realize his kidnappishness immediately.  I AAAstarted to walk over to his van while he was rummaging for his tools, but then I heard Oprah’s voice in my head.  And the narrator from Rescue 911 (the show) and didn’t walk over there.  He left after all he could produce was a screwdriver.  (Dude, you think we haven’t tried a screw driver? C’mon)

This lovely lady saved the day.  Guess what she did?  Give up?  She poked this thing in the window and then rolled the window down.  Because the car was running.  I felt like an idiot.  We hadn’t even considered that.  And, FYI, if you locked the keys in the car with it running, AAA will get there really fast.  It won’t seem fast if you have been trying to break into your car for an hour, though.

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