It’s sunny in here

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A friend of mine called me a “ray of sunshine” the other day. I can’t tell you how much this touches me and warms my heart. No one has ever, ever called me that, referred to me in any way shape or form that relates to sun or even though about associating me with positivity. Ever.

And for good reason. I’ve been a thunderstorm most of my life. Ok, all of my life. If you’re a long time reader, you’re probably already familiar with me and my ups and downs, but mostly downs. And I thought that’s how it was always going to be. Just, well, bad. Not that I have been okay with this, but that’s how it always was and I didn’t know any different. Other than a week or so here and there of feeling really good, I was just getting by. Most of the time drowning.

People in my life expect me to screw up and be a downer. And, let’s face it, no one wants to be around that. I don’t blame them. If all I’ve ever shown anyone is that I can screw up why had I expected they should anticipate anything else from me? That’s stupid. And I have been a screw up and hard to be around my whole life. But, as hard as I tried, I just couldn’t be anything else. And I tried.

So, when someone called me a ray of sunshine, it felt amazing. Because I’ve worked extremely hard the past 6 months, with a little chemical (legal) help, to change myself completely. And I have. People are constantly telling me what a difference they see in me, that I’m like a different person.

You know what it is? It’s hope. For the first time in my life, I have it. And I’ve had it for months. Sure, every day isn’t rainbows and unicorns and some days are just plain shitty, but that’s totally normal. But hope for the future. A future I’m excited about. And I see  a future for the first time. Can you imagine living your whole life without having any hope for the future? So bleak.

Basically, I feel amazing. And so thankful. There’s a song in my heart and a sparkle in my eye and joy in my life for the first time ever.

Tether

Since deactivating my Facebook account (I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, but I did) I feel so. much. more. peaceful. It’s incredible. And I haven’t smoke even 1 cigarette in over 3 months. It’s awesome.

But. There is this other thing. My phone. It’s a fucking tether. And I get all caught up in it and have a hard time sitting and just being and not doing. And people having constant access to me. Not that people are always calling me and I’m so awesome, blah blah, just saying. Remember the days you could be unavailable and it was ok. There weren’t all these different ways for people to get in touch with one another. You weren’t home, they left a message and you got back to them when you had time.

And TEXTING. I hate it. Texting is appropriate for “Hey, dinner tonight at restaurant at 7?” “See you then” not these loooooooong drawn out conversations that take hours and hours when a simple phone call with have the matter cleared up in a matter of minutes. MINUTES. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me. Text arguing for a week and then once I sat down with the person, it was fine.

I’m. over. it. I will text with my friends back while they’re at work about whatever menial thing comes into his/her head and they provide me the same courtesy. And I’ll be out with it. What I’m really talking about here is boys. Don’t fucking text me and ask me to go out or play these mind games with me over text. That makes me want to kill a bitch. Ya get me? CALL. CALL ME ON THE PHONE like a real human being. Technology is pushing me further and further from the people in my life and gives an easy out to having real relationships.

That being said. Peace. I need peace and not complications. Anyone?

This is what I’ve been up to