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My whole life, when anything got too hard, I quit. Teeball, Brownies, AP Biology, graduate school… I’ve never tried for anything I didn’t know I’d be good at (except twice, I did swim team in high school and tried out for dance team in middle school. Sucked at both) And right now, I’m trying at something I’m not feeling I’m good at and I want to quit so much. BUT, I’m not going to.
Quitting has always been a way of protecting myself. “I could be good at (insert here) if I really tried.” And if I quit, I didn’t have to prove myself. I could go on say I could be good at it. Well, school is kicking my ass and I’m really trying and I don’t think I’m very good at design. But I’m not going to quit. I’m going to keep going. I feel like the panic and stress I’m experiencing right now is going to kill me, but I’m going to keep going. My fear is that I’m going to try and try and try and I’m going to find I’m not good at it and that is just not acceptable to me. But I have to keep going to find out.
I have a project due today. A project for a class that has me living in fear. I literally started crying in classes 3 DAYS IN A ROW last week because of this class. All of my teachers probably think I’m emotionally unstable, which I am a little at this point. Because of this hell class. Last week, we (as a collective class) were berated for 2 hours about how lazy we are and how we’re not trying and how much we suck and on and on and on. It would be funny if it were happening to someone else. The stuff that was coming out of this guy’s mouth was like stuff from a movie teacher. He said something along the lines of, “Your illustration skills are just not up to par, I hope these are stand in illustrations and you get a real illustrator to do them for you.”
Did that sink in?
Insulted on top of the insult. And remember, I did the illustrations and I’m not working hard enough. According to this dude. Because my illustrations are terrible.
This class has me rethinking my whole life. I’m having an existential breakdown. I’m all, who am I? What am I doing here? Maybe I’ll drop out and become an escort because if I suck as a designer, that’s the only job I’ll be able to get. See what I mean?
So, where am I going with this…we have to redesign the packaging for this. The bottle, not the bar. Those little white lines on the label are type. Cultish, weird stuff about the Moral ABCs. And we have to keep all of the type. Everyone not doing the project seems to think it’ll be “fun.” Guess what? It’s not. It’s hellacious.
I’ve been working hard and designing my label. Everything was going great and I had it done after working on it for 4 or 5 days. Days. Then I started staring at it. And hating it. I would show you a picture, but at this point, I hate it so much that I’m too embarrassed. ‘hipster sigh’ Design school is hard. Now I don’t know what to do. Redesign or keep it and if I want to redesign, what do I do with it? I just don’t know.
I’m dropping out of August Break. I’m getting no break anyway and can’t remember to take the pictures every day because I’m so stressed and so overwhelmed with school. The sign above is on the door of my department head. This is the kind of thing I’m dealing with here.
Chico, as you can see isn’t stressed out at all.
I did manage to go to a friend’s house the other night for a little shindig where I wore fairy wings and that was nice. It was fun to be a fairy for a night :)
And I created this for my beer packaging. This is the class that’s keeping me up at night.
And I haven’t been getting any knitting done. Well, not too much. After Wednesday, hopefully I will feel better. If I get slammed again, who knows how I’ll feel.
I hope your Monday is going well :)
This morning I saw Slaight at the front door. She’s 16. My first animal and now my dad’s (my parents wouldn’t let me take her when I moved out). She comes to the door when she wants to come in and just sits there because she knows it may take a little while, she’s pretty patient. See, the dogs have an electric fence inside the house and they wear special collars so they can’t leave the living room or kitchen (they go to the bathroom everywhere–except Chico) but they can still come to the threshold of the living room and act like they are going to eat Slaight). So, every time she comes in she has to come to the front door and it’s a huge production to let her in because that door doesn’t open easily and the dogs freak and their collars beep and it’s ridiculous. We all know they aren’t going to go past the shock line. Why bark like that? Ugh
As cats do, Slaight takes her sweet time getting up and coming in the door. Sometimes she just stands in between the door and the foyer and stares at me. To be an ass. This morning I saw her little ears over the glass of the door and assumed she needed to come in. No. I went through the whole process of opening the door and arousing the dogs and she gave me this horrible look. So, to teach her a lesson, I shut the door and decided not to wait for her. To teach her a lesson, you know, to come in the house in my time. Because it’s all about me. ‘sigh’ I have been trying to teach that cat a lesson since I got her and she still operates in cat time. And I realized today how ridiculous I am.
P.S. I don’t think I’m getting this whole “break” thing from the August Break. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been posting in the cry babies tag a lot this week because I’ve been freaking out about school. Like, freaking out. Hopefully, this week will be better.
Here are days 5 & 6 in order. They are both for beer packaging. One is a drawing for it and one is for research of cool packaging.
In light of me at panic attack level all day so far, pretty much since I woke up due to school, I’m going to post some pretty pictures. I took these a while ago. BSTW will continue as scheduled next week.
Chico makes things better…
As my teachers are trying to kill me one assignment at a time.
Did you see the ghosts in that picture? They’re following me.
Any words of encouragement you can give me today will be much appreciated.
Details: Jumper: BCBG Shoes: c/o Bruno Magli
The cutest and best face to come home to. My sweet boy :)
Day 1: My horrible packaging. 6 months ago I would’ve thought this was great, this school is breaking me.
Day 3: What has become my whole life.
August Break is here again! Click here to read about it.
I feel this picture embodies how I feel about August. And why I count down it’s days.