OMG the suburbs have ginormous bugs!

I went to the suburbs yesterday for my third and final Thanksgivings and it was rather nice.

I encountered some interesting things in the suburbs.  First of all, a wide expanse of grass.  And people in little open motored vehicles.  And they were all dressed like the Scottish.  Hm…They also had sticks.

Later, I met a gnome.  He said that he knows the gnomes who live under my porch.  He also told me that I will not be able to lure them away with food or loud noises.  I asked if lions will work and he stopped talking to me.  Gnomes are weird.

Right after the gnome started ignoring me, I noticed this HUGE grasshopper!!  I was freaking out and hoping that it didn’t fly or jump at me.  It didn’t.  I thought about capturing it for posterity and proof of mutant species, but I was afraid to get too close.  It had beady eyes.

Thankfully, Justin and I made it safely back to the city.  It was close, between the mutant grasshopper and the evil gnome.  We are recovering from the experience and are greatful to be home.

Things that have happened over the holiday

After Thursday (Thanksgiving) I haven’t really done anything.  But, I thought I would document for you anyway.

Unfortunately, I didn’t take any pictures.  I was going to, but my mom made me stand in front of the Christmas mantle and take about 1,000 pictures with various family members and I acted like a 2 year-old and made faces the whole time, so I felt that I couldn’t take pictures in good conscience.

My crying aunt didn’t come, so no one cried.  But, I did use an 11 year-old who wouldn’t talk to make fun of people at the dinner table.  It was awesome.  My mom disagreed.

Then, on Friday, I finished knitting this.  For Chico.  Because he gets cold in the car on the way to work and in the freezing lobby at work.  He looks really adorable in it.  And, I knitted it in, like, 4 days.  Because I am a knitting ninja.  Eat it.  Then, I went to a friend’s house and she make me dinner and I hung out with her adorable dog.  Who has a bigger wardrobe than I do.  It’s intense.  And she helps you put sweaters on her.  It’s insane.

Then, Saturday, I did nothing.  All day.  I hung out with some friends for about an hour that night, and then nothing.  I always think that I really, really want to have time off work to just sit around my house, but the truth is, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I just get bored.  It’s sad.

I have mourned the loss of Monk in the next week.  I’m gonna miss that guy.  What a great show.

Hiding in the basement and other interesting stories…

Thanksgiving.  Food, family, stress.   As a child, I was quite selfish.  Quite selfish, indeed.  I claimed to hate Thanksgiving, but I think I said this because I wasn’t the center of attention.  So,  my worry of being ignored and my “hatred” of the holiday drove me to the basement to hide and time how long it took someone to find me.  Not only did I go to the basement, but I went to the unfinished part, then through a little doorway into a  secret room where the lawn mower was kept.  I then would hide behind something.  And sit.  So, even if someone came looking for me, he or she had to work for it.

My mom was always the one to notice I was gone and come looking.  She always found and encouraged me to come back upstairs and join the rest of the family.  When I said I didn’t want to, she always told me that she needed me and one relative or another was driving her crazy.  So, I went and stood near my mother.  My grandmother always came in and stole the show with some ridiculous story or another and she usually made one of my aunts cry (this aunt is waaaay too sensitive) and then my grandmother cried and my mom got angry and she and my dad went to another room to gossip about how insane the family is.

My grandmother doesn’t eat turkey, by the way.  She doesn’t cook anything that is called its name.  Like, she doesn’t serve chicken or turkey or lamb.  I don’t really know about rabbit…that is probably off the list as well.  But, she does make Ham.  Because it’s not called pig.  This is all very logical and sensical in her mind.  Anyway, on Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, my aunt (not the crier, another one) said that she was going to bring the Turkey.  She showed up…no Turkey.  Thank goodness my grandmother has that weird obsession with the names of meats and all, because she saved Thanksgiving with her ham.  And the Turkey was never mentioned.  Weird?  Yes, it is.

Part of the tradition was the day after Thanksgiving.  This is now defunct because I am finally old enough to refuse to see Santa and have no consequences.  She (my mom) forced me to participate in this tradition until I was in sixth grade.  Holy hell, sixth grade!  Besides that, we (my mom’s side of the family) spent the entire day at the mall shopping and seeing movies and getting candy and looking at Christmas decorations.  It was entirely magical.  Now, it is just the mall.  With A TON of people that need to be punched.  The magic has died.

Tomorrow, I will be taking pictures and notes of all the drama.  Because I know my aunt will cry.  And that my grandmother will say something inappropriate.  My mom will get mad and my dad will laugh and tell her to calm down which will just make her more mad.  My cousin will act arrogant and my uncle will wear socks with sandals.  And, I will be there to document every weird thing.  For posterity.  And this blog.

P.S. I totally tagged this post with “zombies”

Yes, I’m totally judging you

When I go on job interviews, I assume that the person at the front desk is judging me.  I am paranoid by nature, so this is completely natural for me.  I also assume that everyone hates me and lets me know through secret signals that only I can read.  I may be a little crazy.  But, enough about me.

When people come in for interviews here, I am definitely judging you.  FYI.  And, I think it’s weird when you ask for a drink.  Seriously.  You don’t know how long this interview is going to last, you will probably have to pee half way through.  No one wants that.  Bring your own water.  I never ask for anything to drink at interviews, even when offered.  Or at hair appointments.  First of all, it could be drugged (just kidding…kind of), secondly, I know it’s just a courtesy.  (Did you know that courtesy is spelled like court?  I just learned that!)

Also, really?!  You need to use the restroom?!!  That is soooo weird.  I think it’s weird, anyway.  I am totally going to tell all of my coworkers that you had to go to the bathroom when you got here.  To my knowledge, none of the pee-ers have been hired.  Just sayin’.

Please don’t talk to me nonstop about asinine things, like the weather or the fact that there are 20 dogs in the lobby.  I am busy watching The Office and knitting!  Can’t you see I am swamped over here?!

Seriously, people.

Why do we have eyebrows?

When I was in 10th grade, I carried around this notebook and had a question of the day.  I asked my classmates the question and I got some quite interesting answers, with a smattering of insightful ones.  My plan was to turn this project into a book.  But, instead, I painted the cover of the book with glittery nail polish and pull it out when I need a laugh.  Today, I will share one of the questions and its answers with you.  Hopefully you will find it entertaining.

One of the more asinine questions I asked was: Why Do We Have Eyebrows? And, of course, I used different, colored markers for writing in the answers, like any good 15 year-old.

• Matt #1–to keep the sweat from your forehead out of your face
• Nathan–to give girls one more thing to worry about
• Brittany–So we won’t look funny
• Rayna–more hair  to remove
• Luke–to shade your eyes from the sun
• Ashley–So you know where to stop the eye shadow
• Jennifer–to keep your head warm
• Sean– (my fav) camouflage for hiding in the bush
• Austin–for squinting

And there you have it and now you know…why, we have eyebrows.

Circus tents inside are weird and confusing

This weekend I went to an open house at a particular portfolio school in the Atlanta area.  In my opinion, open house means that there will be the same thing going on all day, so show up whenever and you won’t miss anything.  Not, we have a very regimented schedule and this is going to be 5 hours long.  Maybe that’s just me.

However, it was an intriguing presentation.  I wasn’t aware of how to whole portfolio school thing worked, I thought I could go and just take some random classes and learn stuff.  Not the case. Now I know.

I wrote some notes in my planner because I couldn’t discuss some of the ridiculousness of what I was hearing.  I majored in English (you might not be able to tell) and the presenter was all like, “Students now are writing in text-speak…what do we do about this?” And then went on to explain that we have to adapt.  Um…give him an “F” and tell that student to write the paper over…duh…  Also, I hate it when people say, “We are living in the future” like that is such a revolutionary thought.  Dude, if it is happening right now, then it isn’t in the future.  It’s right now.  I know what you mean, you are trying to be all…all…prolific (I think that is the wrong word) and all, but you aren’t. You sound like an ass.

Dude.  This lady was totally yelling at me because I asked if there were students with full time jobs.  She said that they don’t allow their students to work more than 20 hours a week.  And I was all like, “Lady, I have to have a job.  And insurance.  What about people who have to have jobs?”  And she said that they have wonderful financial aid options and that I need to consider what I will be getting from their school.  “Starving?  Homeless?  I don’t think I would be a very productive homeless student.  Could I live here?”  She was not amused.

Lastly, there was a tent inside.  And we weren’t allowed to go in.  WTF?  If you are going to have a tent inside, you have to let people in!  What is the fun of even having the tent if people have to stand outside of it?!!  And, it had doors!!  This was not a very successful open house, and the students were a little huffy.  I will probably try to go there anyway, though.  Poor me.  ‘Tear’

Milk, cookies, and hand sanitizer? What?

I was watching the Today Show this morning and there was a whole piece about Santa getting ready for H1N1.  Here is an article if you are interested. (There is a video, too)

While I know that H1N1 is a concern, this is pretty ridiculous.  Just wash your hands, Santas.  Like, they are changing gloves after every kid and stuff.  Maybe, don’t touch your face until you take the gloves off.  The kids are going to get it anyway, so touching them with the infected gloves is cool.  Not to mention survival of the fittest.  That’s what H1N1 is all about.  And part of being a mall Santa is having kids wipe their snot all over you (it’s nasty, but they make BANK working a month out of the year).

My mom told me when I was a kid that all of the other mall Santas were elves and they were helping the real Santa.  Who was at Perimeter Mall.  Where we went to see him. I tried to figure out how she knew that he was the real Santa and not just another elf, and she told me that she went to see him when she was a kid and he told her that he was the real one.  Then one year, there was a different Santa at Perimeter Mall because (so my mom claimed) our Santa was sick and he sent one of his elves.  He wasn’t the same.  I liked the real Santa better.  Even though I hated seeing Santa.  I cried every year because I was taught not to talk to strangers and I was scared.  But my mom made me sit in the strange man’s lap.  I was so confused.  Watching all of those Don’t Talk to Stangers videos made it very clear that strange men will kidnap you and take you away in their cars.

So, all of Santa’s elves are preparing not to get swine flu so that they don’t infect the entire North Pole.  Because if somehow, H1N1 was brought into the world of Christmas fun, everyone would probably die.  Because, besides Santa and his look-a-like elves, none of the North Pole’s population has been in contact with the human race.  And, none of them would survive our crazy diseases because they don’t have vaccines and stuff.  That means no more Rudolph or elves that want to be dentists.  That would be sad.

Luckily, the Today show says that we should sit out hand sanitizer with the milk and cookies this year.  So Santa can, you know, wash up after he eats your swine flu infected cookies and milk.  Way to ruin Christmas, Today Show.

Misconceptions about knitting

There are a lot of misconceptions about knitting.  You should read this so you don’t ask your friends who knit stupid questions that cause eye rolling.  And, to all of my friends who have asked me stupid questions, look…you are helping other people.

1. No, knitting does not save tons of money.  It actually doesn’t save any money.  It’s a really expensive hobby.  I could probably buy this sweater for $9.99 at Marshalls and it would most likely be made way better.
2. No, knitting socks doesn’t save any money, either.  Knitting socks is actually a big waste of time because you can buy a pack of socks at Target or Wal-Mart for like $5 and this yarn cost about $20, not to mention the 100 hours it is going to take me to knit them. I don’t know why I knit them, now that I think about it.  They are kind of ridiculous.
3. Please don’t touch that!!  It’s a row counter. No, you can’t click it…Did you just hear me?…It’s a row counter, it counts my rows. No, seriously, don’t touch it.
4. Yes, anyone can learn to knit.  It doesn’t take that much patience.  It does take a little to learn, but so does learning to read.  And you were able to do that, obviously (if you are reading this).  If you wish you could knit, you can.  No, it’s not really hard.  I will be happy to help you. We can bond.
5. Please don’t ask me to make you something just because we’re friends.  Yeah, I know I knit all the time, but knitting takes a lot of time.  Even if you offer to pay me like $20 to make you something, I will be much more willing to make you something.  Maybe even for free.  That shows that you understand that knitting is an art and that you appreciate it.
6. If you bring up knitting and seem interested, I will talk your ear off. This is a warning, because people ask me about knitting and then I talk all about yarn and it’s awesomeness and they get bored.  I don’t understand, because yarn is like the best thing ever! (Ever, besides hedgehogs and kitties, of course)  And, you asked me!  ‘sigh’

This is pretty much it for now.  The one to remember the most is number 5.  Please don’t ask me or any of your friends who knit to make you stuff all the time.  It makes us want to strangle you with our expensive yarn laugh casually and walk away.  It’s kind of the equivalent of asking me to paint your house or something for free.  It’s kind of ridiculous.

Fashion Over Atlanta was a blast

Fashion Over Atlanta last weekend was super fun!  Did I mention that there was shopping and discounts and free booze and food at this event?  There was.  And, it was pretty awesome.  Every shop we went into greeted us with “We have cocktails!” “Can I get you a glass of wine?”  Way to party, Atlanta. 

My friends Alix and Mary came with me to shop the sights.  We had a hard time getting on our way because there was a guy from Clear Internet (whatever they are called, better than Comcast will suffice) at their house who thought I was funny, so I kept telling him funny stories.  How could I walk away from someone who laughed at everything I said?  Eventually, Alix was able to kick him out.  She did this knowing that she would have to suffer through my stories for the rest of the night.  You are such a martyr, Alix…way to keep me on task.

The three of us headed to Decatur for some boutique awesomeness.  First stop, Boogaloos.  I found the most awesometastic dress there and think that I need to get a credit card just so that I can buy this dress.  I, like, need it.  The ladies that worked at the store were very supportive of this idea….they must work on commission were just so friendly.  On the way out I forced asked Mary and Alix nicely if they would pose for a photo.  Complied with smiles.

Next up was Kaleidoscope.  It was fun!  And they had mini salmon on chips…Yum!  I heard from the AsianCajuns, the owner of Kaleidoscope was there and is 9 months pregnant.  Like, she is due tomorrow.  Wow–dedication and a little bit of insanity.  I love it.  We bought stuff.  And it rocked.  And, I don’t have any pics of the stuff that we bought because this is not a fashion blog and I’m lazy.  I thought about taking pictures….then didn’t.  I did take pics in the store.  And, while in the store, I pretty much refused to try on anything in the dressing room.  If it couldn’t fit over my clothes, then I wouldn’t try it on.  I blame the Ativan.

After shopping, we went and played in another store and I can’t remember its name.  But, I did buy a little metallic, neon green Christmas Tree for my desk at work.  We aren’t allowed to have religious decorations, so I plan to decorate the tree with driedels and Kwanza stars (do they have stars?)  Whatever. It will be mulicultural.  Or, maybe just shiny.  Tree must be on desk though. Can’t have Christmas without the tree.  They have more trees there, if you want one.  Also featuring, pink, gold and white.

Chico, way to make me look good…

At my new job there are dogs everywhere.  All the time.  And it is wonderful.  So, I decided to bring my dog.  Who has a whole going to the bathroom in appropriate places issue.  I thought if I watched him constantly, and made sure to take him out for a while before we went to the office, he would be fine.  I even left him in the back yard in the drizzle for like 30 minutes this morning just to make sure that he got everything out of his system.

We started off strong.  Everything was going well, people wanted to pet him, he was being really cute!  Wagging tail, running up to people…the cute doggie.

Then….as soon as I turned my back…he pooed.  He pooed on the floor in front of all the executives in less than an hour and in front of Abby and Finn, the dog Prince and Princess of the office.  This is after I sat donuts on the wrong table and Abby ate 7 and spent Friday in the vet puking.

So, I made him sleep on my desk.  And he has been sitting here off and on for the remainder of the day.  He keeps staring at me with tired eyes, but he won’t go to sleep.  People keep wanting to pet him.  I have quarantined him under my coat and am hanging out with his doggie stuffed animal.   I threatened to take him home for a little while, but we  both knew I am too lazy.