I’m having mom troubles lately. I wasn’t going to write about this, but I need some feedback.
She’s not very supportive of who I am. Ok. I get that. You would’ve made different choices for my life and you don’t agree with the way I do most things. That’s cool. Where the problem lies is that she doesn’t seem to care for me as a person. She can’t differentiate that I’m still her daughter and still the person she claims to love even though I make decisions she doesn’t like. Decisions don’t change who I am. And, even if they did, I’m still her daughter.
She sends me chain emails everyday. (I’ve heard this isn’t a rare interaction between mothers and daughters.) I’ve asked her to stop. She claims she sends only the really important ones. These really important emails are mostly about Obama being the antichrist or something about the government hating Christians or something. This morning I had one in my inbox encouraging me to stop accepting the new dollars that don’t have the words “In God We Trust” on them. I wrote back, “Please stop sending me these.” She replied, “This is important!” ‘sigh’ To which I said, “Not to me” and she then responded, “I’m so disappointed and sad for you.” What?!! You’re disappointed in me because I don’t want spam emails & don’t care if our money says In God We Trust?! Is that something to be disappointed about?
I wrote her back and told her I am disappointed in her, too. I felt like this merited a response and that was all I could think of. I’m disappointed that she’s chosen to let something so stupid and petty turn into something so hurtful. She was barely talking to me before this email this because I warned her (I shouldn’t even have to warn her) I’m getting a new tattoo soon and she told me it breaks her heart that I’m “maiming” myself.
I feel so heartbroken about this. She’s my mother, for God’s sake, but she doesn’t support me. I know I’ve made different choices for my life than she would’ve liked and that I’m not the person she wanted me to be, but get over it! Love the person I am and stop making it sooo hard for us to have a relationship. A lot of the traits she doesn’t like in me are things in herself she just doesn’t see. While I’m working to be the best person I can, she disapproves more and more. It’s ridiculous. I really don’t know how to react or feel about all of this.
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May 18, 2010 at 12:44 pm
mandra9
Stay strong and don’t let her guilt you. (The whole “I’m disappointed in you.” thing sounds like guilt to me.) You have to make yourself happy first because at the end of the day you are all you have.
May 18, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Windsor Grace
Thanks. And that’s soo true. It really hard for me to put it in perspective with my mom. She’s been guilting me my whole life and I’m so over it. But she’s my mom. I just wish she would treat me right, you know? Thank you for your comment!
May 18, 2010 at 4:17 pm
sizzle
That’s rough. I have similar struggles with my Mom in that we are both headstrong and alike yet she doesn’t acknowledge it. It seems so obvious to me. Human beings are so bizarre and fascinating. Maybe email isn’t the best medium for you two to communicate since things can get snippy quick? She should support your request to not have those emails forwarded but you can also just not open them. Would that help? It’s hard to swallow pride and always feel like the one to compromise. It’s hard to not have a Mom who supports you. I don’t know how you fix it but you can’t not be yourself. You have to be true to who you are and hope that she will get on board.
May 18, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Walker
Here is how I got my dad to quit sending me that junk. I just started replying to all that he sent it to with a hyperlink showing how the email is a scam. Like for instance the “In God We Trust” email is bogus because it is actually imprinted on the side of the coin just not the top or bottom. Here http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/dollarcoin.asp The other thing that I have had to do is completely distance myself from my father. We really keep more of a platonic relationship and just fill each other in on whats going on in our lives and don’t offer any opinions about what each other should do. As much as it hurts maybe distancing yourself is the best thing because sometimes not keeping your distance hurts a lot worse. My wife deals with this too with her mother. Her mom just despises her so outside of her interaction with her grandkids we don’t really talk at all. Just a thought. But the reply to all thing works. Make them look like a fool in front of everyone they sent it to and they will take your name off the list :)
May 18, 2010 at 5:33 pm
Kara
:( I don’t have any particular gems of advice for you, but I really hope that you guys can work it out. My mom and I hated each other for awhile (not really, but pretty close) and it took some time to learn our boundaries. Now we’re very close. Hopefully the same is in your future <3
May 18, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Windsor Grace
Me too. Thanks :)
Sent from my iPhone
May 19, 2010 at 8:47 am
jana kaplan
hey! my mom used to be a democrat and then was brainwashed by my dad, a right to life republican. she sends me those chain e-mails all the time and i asked her to stop once or twice. she didn’t. so i just delete them. granted, things between my mother and me are very good, but they weren’t always. we hated each other for about 10 years. things changed after she almost died. i dunno what to tell you, kiddo. i think you need to adopt a mom. i do that all the time. it is sad that things are the way they are between the two of you, but you need to be okay with that, because, well….she isn’t gonna change, i’m sorry to say. the most important thing is that you take care of yourself – find a way to make the relationship work for YOU.
May 19, 2010 at 8:53 am
Windsor Grace
That is really great advice. People keep telling me that I need to accept it because I’m not going to change her and I didn’t even realize I was trying to get her to change. I have realized that trying to get her to like me for me is trying to change her and I just have some confusing and growing times ahead of me. :)
May 19, 2010 at 8:57 am
jana kaplan
see? you know whatcha gotta do. believe me, there are things i don’t like about my mom and things she doesn’t like about me, but we don’t focus on that stuff. also, living 1,000 miles away from my family has definitely improved my relationship with my parents…..weird, right?
May 19, 2010 at 8:58 am
Windsor Grace
I’ve heard the distance thing from a lot of people. It’s hard for me to come to the conclusion that it’s okay for me to accept myself even though she doesn’t.
May 19, 2010 at 10:08 am
Robert Kennedy
Dear Whit,
You’re in the middle of it right now. Seperating from your parents is a natural, but painful process. I had to do it with my daughters – if her experience is similar to mine it’s painful for your mom too. But there’s things I needed to learn and there were things Sarah and Tricia needed to learn. On the other side of it, everything will be all right. Don’t I sound like a therapist?
Oh, and just delete the e-mails. If they make you mad, something’s wrong with you!
I love you!
Robert
May 19, 2010 at 10:12 am
Windsor Grace
Thanks, Robert!
May 21, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks
As someone who considers herself outspoken (ahem!), I think there are many mothers who will always express concern for their daughters, regardless of whether their daughters are 7 or 70. That’s just the role a mother plays.
That said, some mothers are better at communicating than others. So, your mom refuses to stop sending you chain emails. Delete them. Seriously. Let her feel fulfilled by sending them, but you can then ignore them. When I’m too busy at work, I often ignore emails like that and don’t think twice about it. If it ever comes up in conversation, I usually am honest and say I don’t have time for chain emails.
Once you move beyond the petty stuff, then you can choose to focus on the bigger stuff…or not. It’s a shame when mothers and daughters can’t have that special bond. But, if that’s not possible, there has to be some other compromised medium. One where you can be you and your mom can be herself and the two can mingle without hurt feelings. It might take some compromising on both your parts.
May 21, 2010 at 4:10 pm
Windsor Grace
Thanks. And several people have recommended I just delete the emails and I will from now on. And, I usually open them up and give them a peak, just because she wants me to. I try to please her.
It may be hard to believe but my intention wasn’t to be petty with the email situation. Looking back, I should have just deleted it and been done with it and not said anything.
It’s less about the email situation and more about her constant disappointment with everything I do. It’s just sad for me.
May 30, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Judy Black
I couldn’t forgive my mother until I had a daughter of my own. When I wore “mom” shoes I understood why she said/did some of the things she did. Your mom loves you and is trying to still trying to “mother” you- and will probably continue to until the day she dies. You are not going to change her- especially on religion issues.
I think you can change the way she tries to influence you, ( don’t react or feed into it) but I don’t really know how to do that. I’m sad for you and for me that mother/daughter relationships can be painful. I pray that you can work things out. In the meantime, just give her love and know she is probably doing her best.
You are a hilariously funny – I’ve enjoyed reading your posts.
May 31, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Windsor Grace
Thank you so much!
August 9, 2010 at 4:30 pm
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