So. After much thought and consideration, I’m no longer going to be blogging at knit in public. I’m just not this person anymore nor do I want to be. I’ve tried to make it work, but I can’t get motivated to write here.

I’m moving on. I’m in a much more positive place. I’ve loved loved this blog and the people I’ve met through it. It’s been a wonderful growth experience, but I want to grow into something new.

I have a new blog. I don’t want to be much of a craft blogger anymore and while I’m not much of a craft blogger here, I’m done with Knit in Public.

If you’d like to keep reading, please change your reader to my new blog, which you can find here.

Thanks for everything

I made my first vlog. Then I couldn’t figure out how to edit it and then I did and then the sound wasn’t working and I spent a week trying to make it work and watching this over and over again. So the sound and the video are weird. But you can understand and see. I’ll work on my skillz for the future.

 

This is what I do when tired and no one is watching. I’m in charge of the phone right now…scary.

It’s baaaaack! I forgot how much I loved sharing these and I’m on break right now so I’m delusional and think I’ll have tons of time to look up stuff on the interwebz and for blogging after break is over.

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I freaking love a good gnome. And these are adorable. I have one in my yard, but he fell over and was rained on and he kind of looks like a nightmare now. But I still love ‘em.

This ring and I are made to be together. For reals, ya’ll.

I would love to have one of these, but I believe it involves keeping a plant alive, and I just can’t do that. I’ve tried, but I know it will die. Maybe just to prove a point, but it will!

Have you seen this? Dashing is an online only magazine that is just amazing. If you like Bust, you’ll love this, too. I have fallen in love with it. And you can download some kind of iPad app (I don’t know because I don’t have one) to read it like that. And I think you can print it out if you’re now down with reading it on the screen.

Jessica Singh is an amazing illustrator. Check out her website. It’s amazing. FIN.

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I’ve made some new friends recently who are pretty conservative (not politically just in general. Maybe they are politically,too, I really have no idea. We don’t sit around and talk about those things, it’s one of the things you’re not supposed to talk about. Politics and religion, but we do discuss religion because I know them from church [yes, I’ve been going to church, it’s weird for me, too] so we don’t want to add to the weirdness by adding politics in there, although I’m pretty sure they’re Republicans. Who knows.)

So, when I accidentally throw an eff bomb into a conversation, it isn’t generally well received. I try to hold it in, they’re just fighting to get out, those eff bombs! And it’s really unnecessary for me to use that word anyway, but back to what I was saying.

We’ll all be at lunch or something and someone will say something completely innocent and then I’ll add to the conversation. And, I can hear it coming out of my mouth but I can’t take it back. I am the queen of saying innuendos, often sexual, mistakenly. I don’t even mean them that way, I mean the real meaning of the words, no innuendos, but once I realize what I’m saying I turn red and they all realize what I said and then it’s on.

Ya’ll.

It’s like every lunch I have with them. They probably think I have a horribly dirty mind. And I make it worse by immediately saying, omg I can’t believe I just said that and everyone has already heard it and then this other dude will add to it and it’s really funny and he takes it there but he whispers it so I’m the only one who hears and people think I’m the crazy one. Poo.

Even though we had no winter down here in Georgia, it was still winter-ish (depressing and dark and bare and dead). Until this week. It’s been awesome.

You know that whole thing from Bambi about being “twitterpated?” I totally have that going on right now. For some reason, in the spring, everything is more exciting, fun, fantastic. I just want to make stuff and be outside! And touch someone. Appropriately. But maybe not. Both. Definitely both.

And Chico’s really excited.

But, you guys. There’s the pollen. We had it at a 9,000+ count the other day. My brain can’t even register how much pollen that is. It’s a yellow cloud and I’m afraid to wear white or sit on anything. I just know my chest hurts and Chico is allergic and that baby Benedryl makes him high and he’s about to be really high.

One thing about not having winter is bugs. There are bugs everywhere. According to my mom, not having a winter means that there are going to be ridiculous amounts of bugs. I tried to make a little bee to go on that flower picture, but I realized it was going to take me forever to get it how I want it and I don’t care that much so just pretend you see a bee over there. Even though bees are cool.

So, spring is awesome and it makes me want to knit (isn’t that weird?) and sew things. And just be awesome and wear dresses and look dewy and fun and reach out and kiss someone.

Anyone else?

{rose picture source, styling by me}

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A friend of mine called me a “ray of sunshine” the other day. I can’t tell you how much this touches me and warms my heart. No one has ever, ever called me that, referred to me in any way shape or form that relates to sun or even though about associating me with positivity. Ever.

And for good reason. I’ve been a thunderstorm most of my life. Ok, all of my life. If you’re a long time reader, you’re probably already familiar with me and my ups and downs, but mostly downs. And I thought that’s how it was always going to be. Just, well, bad. Not that I have been okay with this, but that’s how it always was and I didn’t know any different. Other than a week or so here and there of feeling really good, I was just getting by. Most of the time drowning.

People in my life expect me to screw up and be a downer. And, let’s face it, no one wants to be around that. I don’t blame them. If all I’ve ever shown anyone is that I can screw up why had I expected they should anticipate anything else from me? That’s stupid. And I have been a screw up and hard to be around my whole life. But, as hard as I tried, I just couldn’t be anything else. And I tried.

So, when someone called me a ray of sunshine, it felt amazing. Because I’ve worked extremely hard the past 6 months, with a little chemical (legal) help, to change myself completely. And I have. People are constantly telling me what a difference they see in me, that I’m like a different person.

You know what it is? It’s hope. For the first time in my life, I have it. And I’ve had it for months. Sure, every day isn’t rainbows and unicorns and some days are just plain shitty, but that’s totally normal. But hope for the future. A future I’m excited about. And I see  a future for the first time. Can you imagine living your whole life without having any hope for the future? So bleak.

Basically, I feel amazing. And so thankful. There’s a song in my heart and a sparkle in my eye and joy in my life for the first time ever.

Since deactivating my Facebook account (I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, but I did) I feel so. much. more. peaceful. It’s incredible. And I haven’t smoke even 1 cigarette in over 3 months. It’s awesome.

But. There is this other thing. My phone. It’s a fucking tether. And I get all caught up in it and have a hard time sitting and just being and not doing. And people having constant access to me. Not that people are always calling me and I’m so awesome, blah blah, just saying. Remember the days you could be unavailable and it was ok. There weren’t all these different ways for people to get in touch with one another. You weren’t home, they left a message and you got back to them when you had time.

And TEXTING. I hate it. Texting is appropriate for “Hey, dinner tonight at restaurant at 7?” “See you then” not these loooooooong drawn out conversations that take hours and hours when a simple phone call with have the matter cleared up in a matter of minutes. MINUTES. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me. Text arguing for a week and then once I sat down with the person, it was fine.

I’m. over. it. I will text with my friends back while they’re at work about whatever menial thing comes into his/her head and they provide me the same courtesy. And I’ll be out with it. What I’m really talking about here is boys. Don’t fucking text me and ask me to go out or play these mind games with me over text. That makes me want to kill a bitch. Ya get me? CALL. CALL ME ON THE PHONE like a real human being. Technology is pushing me further and further from the people in my life and gives an easy out to having real relationships.

That being said. Peace. I need peace and not complications. Anyone?

Recently, I was thinking about my love of proclamations. They’re pretty much ultimatums I make for my life and then never follow through. Well, sometimes I follow through, I guess that’s another proclamation. The never. Does anyone else have a problem with this? It often seems like most people have it all together and just know what to do and have no problem being adults. So, I’m like, I need to get it together. Let’s make a change, self. Then I tell myself things like,

I’m never talking to her again

I’m never talking to him again

I’m never smoking again

No more texting

No more facebook

I’m going to call one of them every day

I’m going to work out every day

I’m never eating sugar again

Those people are crazy

I’m crazy

I’m not dating anyone for 6 months

I’m going to do (fill in random, intense life change here) every day/week/month/second

I’m going to do this better

I’m going to do this perfect

Then after I make said proclamation, the next week/month/day (more often than not, it’s the next day…sigh) I’m doing it again. But not just doing it, I’m doing it full force. I’m all like, well, eff it. If I can’t do said ridiculous thing perfectly, then I might as well do the opposite super intensely. Like, I’m going to smoke 3 PACKS OF CIGARETTES TODAY since I smoked one (I have actually quit smoking for a little over 2 months, yay me), I’m going to call the shit out of this person, I’m going to eat 4 pounds of sugar, I’m going to drink EIGHT cups of coffee!!

So, after I break the whatever, I’m super disappointed in myself and I feel like a failure and a loser and crazy and like I’m never going to do anything right and blah blah blah. It’s kind of no wonder I continue to attract crazy people. Goodness me.

Maybe I will try to say things like, I’m going to try to do this better, once a week, cut down, quit, whatever. And then if I fail I can try again. Because life is more about trying and doing my best. Not doing it perfect. No one can live up to that.

Can you relate?

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